15 ways Katusha could become more sexy

"We're not a sexy team," admitted Katusha press officer Philippe Maertens this week after it was announced that the self-proclaimed Russian global cycling project was going to rebrand themselves ahead of the 2016 season.

"Everybody is afraid of the Russians but there is really no need because they are nice guys," Maertens added, just as president Vladimir Putin contemplated fresh air strikes over Syria (maybe via Turkish airspace and - why not - a little detour over Ukraine and Georgia).

Maertens admitted that Eastern Europeans had a reputation for being "a bit closed" - something he hopes Katusha's rebranding will address.

Already, there has been a raft of foreign signings (including rangy Belgian Jurgen van den Broeck and lithe Estonian Rein Taaramae) during the close season making it a 50-50 split down the middle between Russian and non-Russian riders.

The need to find a "new identity" was also echoed by Katusha manager Viatcheslav Ekimov, who promised the team was going "to be unique, get more sponsors and become more international."

Ekimov is adamant that the "internationalisation" of his squad is not a knee-jerk reaction to the lurid revelations that have surfaced with regards to Russian sport this autumn - although the cynics, satirists and snark artists are bound to have a field day.

Right on cue, Blazin' Saddles will now take a look at the numerous ways Katusha could become more sexy...

Last year's almost all-white kit wasn't so bad but the suspect red shorts remained and Joaquim Rodriguez didn't look so slick when winning atop Plateau de Beille in the torrential rain. A new kit is on the way - to be launched on 12 December at team headquarters in Calpe, Spain - but while distancing themselves from the belligerent red/white/blue of Russia (for obvious reasons), sneak previews of an all-navy number aren't so promising...

A topical caption too, given the Russian athletics doping storm at London 2012.

Let's be honest, there's a bit of stigma attached to Russian athletes right now so it's probably the right thing to dilute the home-grown roster with overseas talent (with the obvious exception of Giampaolo Caruso, of course). Currently there are 14 Russians and 14 international riders on the team, with serial winners Alexander Kristoff and Joaquim Rodriguez flying the flag for Norway and Spain.

The word 'sexy' doesn't exactly come to mind...

For obvious reasons, 'Guapo Guarnieri' sets pulses racing...

Naming yourself after the kind of Soviet rocket launchers that are currently patrolling the Mediterranean coast alongside Syria, looking for any excuse to start World War III, is probably not the sexiest thing to do right now. And it's probably best to ban riders wearing army attire in their downtime, too.

On a positive note, there's talk of a new headline sponsor in 2017 and this shift from a militaristic name steeped in Russian history could well open the doors to major international sponsors in the future.

Didn't the Italian veteran get the memo? Facial furbelows are no longer the height of fashion in London's trendy East End, so perhaps it's time to dust off the old razor.

Better still, stop Paolini from powdering his nose during the biggest race of the season. He's no Kate Moss, after all.

While we're on the subject of follicles, it's time to look at Katusha's longterm bete noir...

Following the retirement of Vladimir Karpets, Eduard Vorganov became the principal culprit of this fad.

Continuing the theme, it's high time Ilnur Zakarin stopped auditioning for the role of Shaggy in Scooby Doo.

Because there won't be many more kisses coming his way if he doesn't visit a hairdresser soon...

If there's any domain where being Russian, wearing spandex and a sporting a mullet really helps it's in a professional ice rink, and Steady Eddie possesses the best triple salchow in the peloton.

There will probably be a PR storm, but employing some official Katusha matryoshka dolls to help handing out musettes in the feed zone would certainly appeal to many quarters of society - and it would make Oleg Tinkov rather jealous too.

Full marks for thinking about the Asian market, but perhaps focus on the English-speaking global population too.

And any crimped neck attire, for that matter.

They're great for the complexion - just ask Rudiger Selig...

Katusha sex appeal just went through the roof.

Unless you're Team Sky or Gewiss, winning is an attractive trait. For all the faux furore, Katusha has just enjoyed its most successful season to date - finishing second in the UCI WorldTour rankings and notching 40 wins in total (half of which came from that man Kristoff).