Motor madness

You see, those Transitions glasses Farrar sports are, in fact, X-Ray specs. So if anyone knows if Spartacus is concealing a mini motor inside his specialised bike frame, then surely it's Farrar.

The rumbling rumour - given extra revs by former Italian rider-cum-journalist Davide Cassani - is, quite frankly, the most ridiculous piece of twaddle Blazin' Saddles had heard in a long time (it even beats the motivational conference held by Floyd Landis three years back in Arkansas).

Renowned powerful rider changes gear, attacks, goes faster, wins a race. Yup, the kind of thing that has been happening since cycling was invented. But it doesn't mean the rider is being powered by gasoline or an electric generator.

But what about the high-quality video on YouTube - isn't that irrefutable evidence that Cancellara was on a moped?

Um, not really. Because Saddles also this week watched another video on YouTube, one taken from stage three of the 2007 Tour de France, which shows the Swiss rider outsprinting the entire peloton and powering to an astonishing victory in Compiegne.
No one raised the possibility that he might be riding a motorbike then, did they? No.

Because that is Cancellara's speciality. He is a strong rider who doesn't need to jump out of the saddle and lurch all over the place a la Cadel Evans when he wants to up the tempo. He gets in the zone and treats his attack as if it were a time trial.

But the hand movements are so obvious and he even changed his bike towards the end when the battery ran out, you say. Or maybe he was just changing gear and switching bikes - hardly rare occurrences when you're riding over cobbles.

Talking of which, how handy for Cassani that both the races concerned - Roubaix and the Tour of Flanders - are ridden over noisy cobbles: just the kind of surface to conceal the din of the bike's motor.

You see, the whole charade is a case of a story that neatly fits the scenario rather than anything else - surely most intelligent people can see that.

Patrick Lefevere, the manager of the team whose top rider Cancellara beat on both occasions, was quick to point out that, "I don't accuse anyone". But he still added: "That movie made me suspicious."

Well, the dodgy B-movie made Saddles suspicious too - suspicious of a completely farcical practical joke. Dom Joly, Chris Morris, heck, even Ashton Kutcher and Jeremy Beadle would have been proud of Cassani's handiwork.

What next? Riders covering themselves in rain jackets during the Giro being accused of covering their bodies with mini oxygen tents? Those aerodynamic helmets used in time trials actually containing an internal wind turbine? Cadel Evans' rainbow stripes actually a colourful electromagnet which only works in the total absence of BMC team-mates?

For all we know, Christian Vande Velde breaks his collarbone with such regularity on purpose because it gives him the chance to undergo special Universal Soldier-style surgery. Didn't he even hint at the fact recently with his claim that he was becoming the Bionic Man?

Before long, we'll get other conspiracy theorists claiming that the only reason why injured riders hold on to the team or medical cars is so they can have a break and get a tug along for a while. Preposterous - everyone knows it is to aid cramp in the fingers and hand.

Lefevere was right in one thing though. Should motored pushbikes ever become a reality, it would indeed "be worse than doping - even pure theft". That said, wouldn't it spice things up a little to have Valentino Rossi in the peloton?

SUMMIT MEETING: Twice Tour champ Alberto Contador was putting in a Pyrenean recce with some Astana team-mates when he bumped into the Schleck brothers atop the Tourmalet last week.

It was all smiles as AC, Andy and Frank posed for the cameras and had a chat (presumably in English?) on the peak of the legendary climb.

But could you see the same thing happening in other sports? Imagine the scowl on Rocky's face if he ran up the steps of the Philadelphia Museum of Art only to find Apollo Creed with a skipping rope awaiting him at the top.

And what would happen if John Terry's habitual pre-match warm-up of visiting a fellow player's wife coincided with said player returning from his afternoon session on the golf course?

The Pyrenees will feature heavily in the 2010 Tour with event organisers paying tribute to the 100th anniversary of their inclusion in the race. Indeed, the Tourmalet will be tackled twice in as many stages - hence the coming together of three of the Tour's top riders in training.

Speaking of Contador, the Spaniard has been tipped for a switch to Caisse d'Epargne next season following the ban of compatriot Alejandro Valverde.

Rumour has it that Ferrari Formula One driver Fernando Alonso, previously linked with forming a cycling team with Contador, could be on board together with banking group Santander, who would act as the team's new sponsor.

On paper, it all makes sense: Valverde's team will need fresh backing with Caisse d'Epargne, the French bank, due to sever its ties; also the absence of the current Vuelta champion would end any potential friction between him and AC vis-a-vis team-leading roles.

But all Blazin' Saddles has to say is this: presumably, with the whole motorised doping debacle, getting an F1 driver and sponsor on board would be like pouring gas on a wildfire.

QUOTE OF THE WEEK: "Alejandro Valverde's case is the greatest injustice I met in all my life. Alejandro is a champion to whom the right to race will be denied. And if I tell you the truth neither I nor the majority of us know why." Caisse d'Epargne's Ivan Gutierrez defends his team-mate and best friend. Presumably by "us" Ivan means "a handful of people with their heads in the sand".