Battle of the Bosses: Jose Mourinho still knows how to get the best out of Chelsea

The Special One, The Happy One and now The Humiliated One. Jose Mourinho’s return to Stamford Bridge couldn’t have gone any worse. Not even if Arsene Wenger had been there watching. Even after everything that happened last season, this was arguably the nadir of Mourinho’s career, although he can take comfort from the fact that he still knows how to get the best out of Chelsea.

While most expected Mourinho to park Manchester United’s bus, with all its flat-screen TVs and blacked out windows, Chelsea took just 28 seconds to find the opener. Now we have an answer to the age-old question - what takes longer: scoring a Premier League goal or coming up with an answer on Countdown?

That was just a hint of what was to come, with United turning in the kind of slapstick display that will inevitably make a Danny Dyer-narrated bloopers DVD this Christmas. And as Dyer would say, United were a bunch of muppets managed by the biggest muppet of them all.

What did Mourinho whisper in the ear of Antonio Conte at full time on Sunday? Did he ask the former Juventus manager how to use Paul Pogba? Did he ask the Italian what the secret is to his luscious locks? Maybe he asked who Chelsea’s impressive number 15 was? It’s Victor Moses, Jose. Remember him?

In reality, it seems Mourinho criticised the Chelsea coach for his over-exuberant celebrations with the scoreline at 4-0. Because Mourinho isn’t one known for his touchline demonstrations. Oh no. He only shakes the hands of losing opposition managers before the full-time whistle has even been blown.

Claudio Ranieri said his decision to leave Jamie Vardy on the bench was down to squad rotation, with Leicester City playing in the Champions League just days beforehand. Whether that was true or not, it worked, with the Foxes claiming just their third win of the season over Crystal Palace.

So while Alan Pardew’s side probably prepared all week to face Vardy, they ended up having to fend off Ahmed Musa… and they didn’t do a very good job of that. So does Vardy still have his Lucozade bottle half-full of port the night before a match if he’s not playing? Does he upgrade, in that case, to Skittles-infused vodka shots?

Pep Guardiola wasn’t happy with his players after Saturday’s 1-1 home draw with Southampton. He wouldn’t let them leave the dressing room for 45 minutes after the full-time whistle. It wasn’t quite the hairdryer treatment (because let’s face it, Guardiola doesn’t own one) but whatever was said behind closed doors wasn’t especially cordial.

Now Manchester City’s players are charged with responding positively to Guardiola’s rage. The next few fixtures could make or break the Catalan coach in the Premier League. Do his players truly believe in what he is doing? Or will the dressing room feud grow into something more?

Manchester City fell behind due to another blunder trying to play out from the back on Saturday, with John Stones gifting Nathan Redmond the opener. After Claudio Bravo’s mistake at the Camp Nou it was like all English football’s Christmases had come at once.

"Look at Guardiola coming over here trying to change our ways with his progressive methods and fresh ideas. He won’t try that again for a while." The thing is, he will. Persistence is one of his greatest qualities, so the Etihad Stadium should can their boos in future. It’s undeniable that this is a bad run for Guardiola, with City now going five games without a win, but he will surely get things right… right?

After last week’s death draw against Manchester United it’s little wonder Jurgen Klopp didn’t deploy every single player he has up front against West Brom, just to remind himself that football can be entertaining. Nevertheless, Liverpool turned in an impressive display to claim a 2-1 win.

This was about more than just three points for the Reds, though. The result took them joint-top of the Premier League with Arsenal and Man City, underlining that they are in fact challengers this season, even if Klopp is doing his toothy-grinned best to play down such expectations.

Graham Ruthven - @grahamruthven