The Warm-Up: Chelsea caught in Dzeko chamber, FA defence turns to vapour
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Published 19/10/2017 at 07:10 GMT
Jack Lang salutes Benfica's Svilar surfer and cringes at Peter Drury's latest mouthful...
Roma's Bosnian striker Edin Dzeko (R) celebrates after scoring with Roma's Argentinian midfielder Diego Perotti (C) and Roma's Belgian midfielder Radja Nainggolan
Image credit: Getty Images
THURSDAY’S BIG STORIES
Edin hands
Losing to Manchester City: annoying, but not the end of the world. Losing to Crystal Palace: probably just a blip in the grand scheme of things, but still, annoying as well.
Conceding three goals to City rejects, throwing away a two-goal lead and losing control of your group in the process: yep, that’s the hat-trick! Congratulations to Chelsea, the only English team not to win in the Champions League this week and the latest side to register a minor tremor on The Warm-Up’s patented Crisisometer.
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David Luiz bringt Chelsea gegen Rom in Führung
Image credit: Getty Images
Let’s forget the needle and the context for once, though. What a game. What a silly, dizzying Catherine wheel of a game. From the moment David Luiz clobbered in that fine opener to the final whistle, there was barely time to think, let alone breathe.
Aleksandar Kolarov waltzing through an elite defence as if it were 2011! Gary Cahill’s bandages! Edin Dzeko turning into Marco van Basten! It was an absolute riot, the kind of match you wish could last for 90 years rather than 90 minutes.
The thrill was probably best summed up not in an image, but by a sound: the lunatic, primal scream of one Italian commentator, blown away by the first of Dzeko’s goals, that glorious volley from a clipped ball by, yes, Federico Fazio. Remember him, Spurs fans?! (Probably not.)
It’s the noise of a thousand seagulls mating simultaneously – i.e. deeply disturbing, but also deeply intriguing. And if it doesn’t sum up a wild, wacky night at Stamford Bridge, The Warm-Up is fresh out of suggestions for something that will.
Teenage wasteland
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Juan Mata of Manchester United reacts as and appeals for a goal as Mile Svilar of Benfica attempts to stop the ball from crossing the line, a goal is later given to Marcus Rashford
Image credit: Getty Images
Picture the scene: you’re an 18-year-old goalkeeper who looks like Ross Barkley would if Ross Barkley had grown up inside an episode of Home and Away, and your manager tells you that you’re starting your first European game, against Manchester United.
At that point, your life is pretty much complete. But oh look, here comes dastardly Jose Mourinho with a plan to make your life a living hell. Long shots, crosses, jostling at corners: the works. Nothing especially outlandish, but enough to make his pre-match team talk, according to Nemanja Matic.
The result? A mixed evening for Mile Svilar. The Belgian will never forget the night he became the youngest goalkeeper in Champions League history, but may have had a little trouble sleeping after allowing Marcus Rashford’s free-kick to creep over the line for the only goal of the game.
Still, while Mourinho spent the minutes after the final whistle cackling maniacally into a pastel de Belém, there was at least a show of support for Svilar from the United players, with Romelu Lukaku especially eager to lift the youngster’s chin.
Omni-omni-omnishambles
To FA headquarters, now, where – oh dear – all the offices and corridors appear to have been spirited away and replaced with a gif of a dumpster fire. After yesterday’s staggering slew of revelations and botched responses, there’s really no getting around it: it might be 2017, but these are still very much still the Bad Old Days as far as the football family goes.
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Greg Clarke is championing significant reforms to the FA's decision-making structures
Image credit: PA Sport
If you’re just catching up with this, here are some selected lowlights:
– The FA apologised to Eni Aluko and Drew Spence after finding that Mark Sampson DID make racially discriminatory comments to them. Although he’s definitely “not racist”, according to Katherine Newton, the head of the latest investigation. So that’s good.
– Aluko said she was pressured by chief executive Martin Glenn to issue a statement confirming that the FA is not “institutionally racist”. This, she felt, “was bordering on blackmail”.
– This:
– This, from FA chairman Greg Clarke:
– Which rather suggests that he needs to be downgrading his own performance on his rather generous rating system:
A complete and utter mess, then, and one that reflects terribly on those involved. Still, at least the members of this gang of incompetents aren’t all ridiculously well remunerated at public expense. OH NO, WAIT:
RETRO CORNER
Ahead of Arsenal’s game against Red Star tonight, The Warm-Up had a leisurely YouTube trawl that produced this little beauty. It’s from the BBC preamble to the 1991 European Cup final, detailing how the finalists (Red Star and Marseille) got to the decider in Bari.
It features a saunteringly brilliant Robert Prosinecki, a fuming Graeme Souness and, yes, a healthy dollop of Chris Waddle, too.
Shame the final didn’t quite live up to the billing… not that the Belgrade side cared too much about that when they lifted Ol’ Big Ears for the first time.
HEROES AND ZEROES
Hero: Paul Scholes
He could have kept a straight face, or even shown some genuine sympathy here. But The Warm-Up is so, so, so glad he didn’t.
Zero: Peter Drury
Obviously this section could very easily be dedicated to the various FA villains and last a few thousand words, but The Warm-Up (a) despises repetition and (b) wants to sleep tonight.
To which end, enter Peter Drury. Never one to use four syllables when eight will suffice, football’s poet laureate (in his own mind) had this to say on Chelsea’s growing list of injured players: “They are without selectorial latitude.”
Blood-curdling stuff, and also an excuse to revisit this Adam Hurrey piece on Drury’s least sensical moments.
HAT TIP
How often does he think about the war? Dzeko stops, stares at me and catches me off guard with a counter-question: how often do I think about the war? We are about the same age and went through the same horror and have the same nightmares. Almost never, I answer honestly. He chuckles and gives an explanation for both of us
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Bosnia's midfielder Danijel Milicevic (L) and Bosnia's forward Edin Dzeko run during a training session in Brussels
Image credit: Getty Images
Dzeko shone at Stamford Bridge and also proved he has a way with words in this fine interview with Sasa Ibrulj in The Guardian.
Also worth your time: Miguel Delaney on José Mourinho’s short spell as Benfica boss.
COMING UP
Arsenal vs Red Star is at 6pm, and if you need something special to tempt you into switching your TV on that early, how about this: Mathieu Debuchy might start for Arsenal, 11 months after his last game.
Later on, it’s Everton vs Lyon, a match that’s worth watching simply because Rafael da Silva. Absolutely no further explanation needed. A night for the right-backs, then.
Tom Adams will be here tomorrow morning to see you into the weekend in style.
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