If not Eric Cantona, then why not another of Eurosport's finest for the England job?

WHY ME?

• Just returned from covering Euro 2016 as a sports journalist, watching forlornly as teams inferior to England continued to surpass us

• A (self-proclaimed) football expert, I made the shortlist for the Peterborough United job in 2010 – narrowly missing out to Jim Gannon – despite boasting a CV solely revolving around Football Manager

• Once got full marks in a motivational speech assignment at school

ENDING 50 YEARS OF HURT… MY PLAN

• Tell the media (me) to **** off. They feed off your misery, peddling nonsense about a ‘lack of passion’. It sticks. And the nation stinks as a result

• Formation: 3-4-1-2. You’re not a “football expert”, so I’ll keep this brief. Our starting XI: Hart; Cahill, Smalling, Stones; Walker, Drinkwater, Dier, Rose; Alli; Kane, Vardy

• Heal the frail collective mentality. Hire an ensemble of psychologists, encourage fans to stop turning on their team with cheaper tickets

• Host penalty shootouts after warm-up friendlies prior to major tournaments, regardless of result. Get on the tannoy and urge fans to create a hostile atmosphere... Miss your penalty? Forfeit your place on the list when the tournament proper begins.

• Extend an open invitation (to any Englishman playing in Europe’s top five leagues) to join a squad get-together after every season. No show? No place in the team. It's a chance to see how players from rival squads gel without any looming matches on the horizon

• Scrap ‘God Save the Queen’ as our national anthem. It’s abhorrent. ‘Jerusalem’ is a much more inspiring alternative

MISC

• I once played Monopoly with your daughter and she still owes me £25 rent for Marylebone Station – consider this debt written off if you appoint me