The Warm-Up: Which World Cup group will England be Putin?

Today the eyes of the global football community will be trained on Moscow for the World Cup draw, which starts at 3pm. Russia, the home of Tolstoy, Dostoevsky, state-sponsored doping and Twitter bots who have nasty things to say about Hillary Clinton but seem quite impressed by Nigel Farage.

Okay, maybe it’s unfair to conflate politics and sport in such a way. After all, it’s not like the draw is being held in the Kremlin, with a personal address from Vladimir Putin and all being overseen by deputy Prime Minister Vitaly Mutko, the man heavily implicated in the various doping controversies which have raged across sport in recent years. Nope, nothing to see here.

Inescapably, this is one of the most politicised football events since, well, pretty much every other football event. But there is an upside. If Putin did indeed hack a US election and contrive to get the UK to commit to the grossest act of economic and social self-harm imaginable, surely he can warm up a few balls and get England a favourable draw for 2018?

The master of ceremonies will be liberal darling and arch FIFA critic Gary Lineker, with the test draw throwing up a group of Poland, Senegal and Australia for Gareth Southgate’s side. Basically doable, but with the potential for disaster: as most of the groups England could get would be. There is no standout group of death contender. It could be quite an even draw.

Still, the finer details could have a big impact on England’s chances. Courtesy of the Daily Mail:

“There are 24 potential itineraries, with travelling distances from St Petersburg (the nearest airport to England's base camp in Repino) ranging from 1,820 miles to 6,024 miles across the three group games. The most gruelling would be a Group C scenario that would see England play in Ekaterinburg, Sochi and Saransk.

“Add to that the fact that there will be four different time zones and Sochi can get very warm in the summer compared to St Petersburg — up to a 20-degree swing — and the demands on England's players could be significant.”

There’s not a great deal else to say about a draw that is yet to take place, beyond Southgate’s stirring address.

“We've got to attempt to win each game, be as prepared as we can be, and see how far we can go. Of course, a lot of these players are going to peak in two to four years' time, but we can't just write off the tournament. I don't think anyone in England would accept that. We can't go to a World Cup and not try to win it."

That would be a decent start, yes.

In another universe it would be Sam Allardyce strolling around the halls of the Kremlin, making nice with Vlad and enjoying the hospitality of the Russian state. A couple of Daily Telegraph journalists armed with a pint of wine (nb not really a pint of wine) got him the sack from England, just imagine the kompromat the FSB’s finest minds could unearth.

Instead, Allardyce was yesterday named as Everton’s new manager on a deal until the summer of 2019. “I feel really enthused and energised to come in as manager,” said the man who all the way back on November 15 said he was withdrawing from the running to replace Ronald Koeman because Everton didn’t make him feel wanted enough.

But a fortnight is a long time in football, especially when your caretaker manager is patently not up to the job and, for some reason, Diego Simeone doesn’t really fancy quitting Atletico Madrid. A couple of weeks on and Allardyce is suddenly the right man at the right moment for Everton, whose priority is simply to protect their Premier League status and start clambering up the table.

For all the recent griping about the same old faces getting all the Premier League jobs, Allardyce very rarely fails and with David Moyes and Tony Pulis’ powers apparently on the wane, he could be the last safe bet to keep a team up and thriving in the middle reaches of the league. That will do for Everton, for now at least.

Pep Guardiola’s post-match interaction with Nathan Redmond on Wednesday was definitely a bit strange, but The Warm-Up was satisfied by Guardiola’s explanation that he simply wanted to see a talented player like Redmond play to his best level. The man just loves football. After a ludicrous story in The Sun claimed that Guardiola had called Redmond a “w****r” — how much did you pay that lip-reader? — the Southampton forward has clarified matters.

“I want to make it absolutely clear Pep Guardiola did not say what The Sun is falsely claiming in this story,” Redmond said. “Yes he was very passionate, intense and aggressive but he was only very complimentary and positive to me. Losing the game the way we did in the last kick of the game after working so hard for 90-plus minutes, I was very disappointed. But when one of the world’s best managers compliments you or gives advice in any way, you listen.”

There were a lot of dubious takes on this story, but not universally:

Noel Gallagher does an *unbelievable* impression of DT from Arsenal Fan TV.

“Up to now you’re unbeaten I believe?”

“No, I lost my first game away at Villa.”

“... I’ve had a few cans.”

“What’s your question?”

“I haven’t got a question, I thought I’d just ring up for a chat.”

Local radio has been completed. Absolutely sublime, and doesn’t Chris Coleman love it?

Here’s Warm-Up stalwart Adam Hurrey unearthing some previously unknown footage of what Tony Yeboah was up to just before scoring one of the greatest goals in Premier League history. Trying to score another of the greatest goals in Premier League history, apparently.

It’s the World Cup draw, haven’t you been listening to anything? Join us live on Facebook from 2:45pm for coverage of the proceedings in the Kremlin. That’s Facebook.com/EurosportUK.