Never Mind the Ballacks

France coach Raymond Domenech boasts acting and theatre among a host of off-the-pitch activities, but by far the most interesting is his faith in horoscopes.

"It's well-known that I am interested in horoscopes," said Domenech draped in a shawl and looking up from his crystal ball.

"I look at players' qualities and characters and their sign of the zodiac. Scorpios are problematic."

Which explains why the 29th October-born Robert Pires was not on the plane to Germany and that his exclusion was nothing to do with the Villarreal player's hearty criticism of his national team boss.

Tellingly, Aquarian Domenech has four Cancers in his starting line-up - Barthez, Abidal, Vieira and Zidane - whose character traits are, apparently, domesticity and sensitivity - so expect tears and a flurry of hotel-room tidying if their stay in Germany ends without a World Cup winner's medal.

But given his aversion to Scorpios, what will Domenech do when he comes up against one of the most successful in the business, Luiz Felipe Scolari?

Reports of Italian UN peacekeeping soldiers in Kosovo firing their guns into the air after the Azzurri's victory over Germany on Tuesday have been firmly refuted by NATO.

Several residents of the village Grabac were scared out of their wits as the final whistle went and the sound of gunfire roared once again in the troubled province.

But thankfully, the shots were not a menace to the 100 or so Serbs who have returned to the village under the protection of NATO led forces since fleeing Albanian revenge-attacks in 1999.

It is thought Italian soldiers celebrating their team's progression to the final were responsible for the shots, although Klaus Treude, a spokesman for the peacekeeping forces, denied that was the case.

Local resident Stojan Doncic did not agree: "The shooting was most probably by the Italians. There was a mortar fired as well into Grabac. But that was probably from the Albanians."

Sepp 'Robespierre' Blatter has promised heads will roll as he looks to launch his own football revolution.

With refs Graham 'Three-of-a-kind' Poll and Valentin 'Royal Flush' Ivanov already safely exercising their card-wielding talents in the casinos of Las Vegas, Blatter has new goals (rubbish pun alert!) in mind.

After more bookings than your average high-class call girl - a World Cup record 331 yellow cards so far - the beret-wearing 'Che' Blatter is proposing the anarcho-syndicalist revision of the two-yellows-and-you're-out rule up to three cautions before stars kick their endorsed heels on the bench.

There's more.

The bad news for the large appetites of football's hoi polloi is that the hefty pre-match all-you-can-eat buffets are likely to be limited to a couple of chicken wings and a tray of ham sandwiches in the future.

But the good news is there will be plenty of chips...in the balls, as Sepp wants to ensure Germans can rest easy in the knowledge Geoff Hurst's 1966 'Russian linesman' goal will never again blight their chances.

Wow!

And just to prove he really is in touch with the proletarian roots of the game, Sepp proposes referees should be informed which tactics teams are going to play before the game kicks off.

Imagine pre-Portugal v Netherlands, Marco van Basten declares: 'Van Bommel to try and crock Ronaldo early doors, and if that doesn't work, a Boulahrouz reducer should do the trick...'