The Warm-Up: There's no escaping the Terminator

James Cameron’s 1984 sci-fi romp The Terminator is famous for a number of reasons, but its value as future-looking sports allegory is usually overlooked. Yet the words of resistance fighter Kyle Reese popped into The Warm-Up’s throbbing hivemind while watching last night’s Champions League action.

“Listen, and understand,” an exasperated Reese tells franchise heroine Sarah Connor. “That Terminator is out there. It can’t be bargained with. It can’t be reasoned with. It doesn’t feel pity or remorse or fear. And it absolutely will not stop. Ever. Until you are dead.”

At which point, enter Real Madrid, whose grim, dead-eyed survivability is just about the most bankable – and easily the scariest – thing in European football right now. And look, over there: that’s poor, mortal Juventus, all soft flesh and brittle bone, shivering in the corner, wondering what the hell just happened.

The Italian side gave it everything at the Bernabeu last night. Mario Mandzukic, far-post bully par excellence, dragged them into the game, then further, and when Keylor Navas handed ‘Shuffling’ Blaise Matuidi a gift, it briefly appeared that sweet revenge was on the cards for last year’s beaten finalists.

But then Madrid’s eyes glowed red once more: one final attack, a clumsy challenge by Mehdi Benatia (and, come on, it probably was a foul), the heartbreak of a red card for Gigi Buffon in his final Champions League match, and, from 12 yards, king cyborg himself, doling out oblivion.

They’re going to win it again this season. Probably next season, too. More Kyles will die in more Cyberdyne factories. Our only really hope at this stage is that some other, recalibrated Real Madrid team from the future will come back and sort this one out for us.

No such drama over in Germany, where Bayern Munich and Sevilla played out an anodyne 0-0 draw not at all in keeping with the week’s other events. Vincenzo Montella’s side huffed and puffed, hitting the bar at one stage, but never really looked likely to claw their way back into a tie that got away from them back at the Sanchez Pizjuan last week.

It was a grown-up display from Bayern – basically a “chill, guys, this is how it’s done” after the thrills and spills of the other ties involving the favourites.

Hearty congratulations to Harry Kane, who managed the nifty feat of scoring a goal yesterday despite not actually playing in a match. The Premier League’s dubious goals commission (think The Freemasons, but with more chanting and mead) ruled that Christian Eriksen’s cross-shot against Stoke at the weekend did indeed brush Kane’s greedy shoulder, which raises a few questions, due process-wise.

Given that all of the replays were deeply inconclusive, and that football has yet to embrace Snickometer technology, could it be that Kane’s “daughter’s life” statement carried weight in the courtroom? Have we just witnessed the birth of a new legal precedent that future generations will know as the Kane Argument, or Kane vs Eriksen? And when will poor old Mo Salah get his day in court?

This week in delusion news: Troy Deeney thinks he has, in some obscure way, “made Arsenal’s season”.

The Watford striker, recall, laid into Arsenal back in October, accusing the Gunners of lacking leadership (and cojones) in a 2-1 loss at Vicarage Road. And now, seven months on, he’s taking credit for… what, exactly? We’ll come to that in a second.

“I spoke to [Ainsley] Maitland-Niles, after I missed the penalty, and said, ‘I’m glad I can help you bring out a decent crowd,’” Deeney said in a YouTube interview, recalling Arsenal’s recent 3-0 win against Watford at the Emirates.

“I watched the game when they lost a week before, to Man City, when the snow came and they had like 10,000 there. But then for the next game it’s sold-out and everyone’s giving Troy grief. I’ve made Arsenal’s season. They’ve stepped up since then.”

Ah, yes. Stepped up to sixth. Credit where it’s due, Troy: you’re a regular superhero.

Another night, another crackerjack strike from the Championship. Wolves talisman Ruben Neves proved that anything Jack Grealish can do, he can do better, hammering in the volley to end all volleys against Derby.

If we were being picky, we’d question the quality of that first touch, but it’s fair to say he made up for it with the second.

Actually, no, scratch what we just said above. This is the volley to end all volleys: a pinpoint, 87th-minute masterpiece of an own goal that cost Toluca the Mexican Cup final.

Nothing. But. Net.

That’s Andi Thomas, on great form for SB Nation, with a lovely missive on the art of celebrating like a lunatic. And over on The Guardian, Marina Hyde explains what Chris Coleman and George Costanza have in common.

With Arsenal already well on the way to securing a semi-final spot – yes, that’s us desperately trying to tempt fate into handing us another continental thriller – it’s probably looking elsewhere for Europa League drama this evening.

Salzburg vs Lazio (2-4 after the first leg) could be fun, given the away side’s propensity for goalmouth action at both ends, but The Warm-Up is plumping for Marseille vs RB Leipzig. The first leg finished 1-0 to the Bundesliga side, but goodness knows how; there were chances aplenty at both ends, and there probably will be again at the Velodrome.