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7:30 PM
03/08/16
Friendly match • July
avant-match

Manchester United - Everton

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Eurosport UK
Highlights 
 
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21:54 

That was a devastatingly bad game - well done one and all. Rooney is now taking the mic, and he says:

"Alright stop, collaborate and listen, ice is back with my brand new invention, something grabs a hold of me tightly, flows like a harpoon daily and nightly."

Inspiring stuff. Goodnight!

90+2'

Full-time: Manchester United 0-0 Everton

90+2' 

Bit of possession from United and Young finds Rashford on the left. With no space in front, he knocks it back, and Young measures a cross into Robles' hands.

90+1' 

There shall be two added minutes. Has a testimonial ever ended 0-0 before?

90' 

Darmian crosses from the right and Memphis throws himself into an overhead kick, then thinks better of it, mid leap.

90' 

698,423 green bottles, hanging on the wall. 698,423 green bottles, hanging on the wall...

88' 

Still, at least this happened.

87' 

"As this builds to a thrilling climax". Darren Fletcher actually just said that.

85' 

Young breaks through the middle and finds Rashford, who nashes down the inside-left channel. He spreads to Mata, and he opts to scoop a ball for Mkhitaryan, whose only option is to nod back to Robles.

84' 

There is even less happening than before. I'd go next accurate pass wins.

81' 

Fellaini tries to shove Gibson as they await a long ball, they tangle, he falls, and intimates pain. But there's no accordant fuss, and he gets up again.

80' 

This game is so bad it's bad.

78'

Koeman is not at all chuffed with United's decision to play on, and Mourinho isn't impressed either. He is replaced by Davies.

76' 

Besic goes down following a tackle with Schneiderlin and United play on, Rashford sent away. Eventually, the ball is crossed at Fellaini, who knocks down for the onrushing Mata. 12 yards out, more or less dead centre, he insists on using his left foot when the ball is on his right, and the split-second he needs to adjust allows Funes Mori to block.

76' 

This second half is eve worst than the first, no mean feat. Credit where it's due and all that.

74' 

Romelu Lukaku is seen laughing in an aghast kind of way. It therefore follows that he was seen laughing in an aghast kind of way.

72' 

Fellaini charges at Cleverley, who smacks the ball downfield, so Fellaini, never one to waste a journey, leaves a foot in. Not sure what his elbows have done to deserve such disrespectful treatment.

71' 

Memphis checks inside, away from Oviedo, and flings over a cross towards Fellaini. And it's a good one too, but just to strong.

71' 

Memphis runs at Coleman. It doesn't work out for him, but is noteworthy nonetheless because we've seen so little of that kind of thing.

70' 

Roberto Martinez is the new manager of Belgium. I imagine there will be much Twitter hilarity, but they need someone who'll allow them to play with freedom and enterprise. Good appointment, I'd say.

58' 

Darr-on Gibs-on and Tom Cleverley, the midfield tag-team that United never had.

66'

A phalanx of Everton troops off and on. Departing are: Baines, Barry, McCarthy, Lukaku, Barkley and Holgate (who's done well). Arriving are: Lenno, Cleverley, Kone, Gibson, Oviedo and Besic.

65'

De Gea and Zlatan off, Romero and Memphis on.

64' 

United look so much better with Rashford on the pitch - he allows Zlatan to come short, which he does, sending a long pass towards him which Stones misses. But Holgate is paying attention and nips in to cut out.

63' 

Lukaku comes deep and Jones follows, only to be embarrassed when he is summarily brushed aside and left. But Lukaku can't find the pass for which he's looking, Mirallas at inside-left, and United clear.

61' 

Flash of football, Mkhitaryan into Rashford and a sharp return touch, but Mkhitaryan can't collect with the same adroitness.

60' 

Ibrahimovic spreads wide to Valencia - Fellaini does his best to intercept but can't quite reach - and the cross arrives, but it's an easy one for Funes Mori to head clear.

59' 

It is now raining. Zlatan takes possession outside the Everton box and shimmies his way into space, trying a low curler that drifts past the post. He is a lovely mover.

58' 

Apparently Rooney might come back on for the last part of the game. Exciting exciting!

56' 

Everton are playing with much greater enterprise now - perhaps aided by the changes United made. Almost all of the play, such that it is, is taking place in United's half.

54'

Wayne Rooney departs, to be replaced by Marcus Rashford. I daresay this will not be the last time that sentence is typed this season.

53' 

Coleman goes down the right and swings over a cross, Jones outjumping Lukaku. But his header is square, and tees up Mirallas, who has a good sight of goal from just six yards out. He thrashes at it for no real reason, and finds the top of the side netting when he ought to have scored.

51' 

Everton win a corner down the right which Mirallas takes, and he manages to miss everyone, drilling an outswinger towards the edge of the box. It's not entirely clear what he was thinking.

50' 

Coleman gets into a discussion with Mourinho, and Young quickly joins in. Michael Oliver is soon over to separate them, not that any serious action was likely.

48' 

With the exception of Mkhitaryan for Lingard, it is not that easy to see how United are going to improve given the below.

47' 

Everton have also replaced Stekelenburg with Robles.

46' 

We beginagain.

21:03 

Ch-ch-changes: Mirallas for Deulofeu for Everton; United have made seven, details to follow.

20:50 

Well, there is not much to report. United pushed more than Everton, but Everton had the better chances.

45'

Half-time: Manchester United 0-0 Everton.

45'

Coleman is given time and space to pick a cross, finding Lukaku in the middle. Bailly is nowhere near tight enough and this is a good chance, but he conrives to head wide.

43' 

Shaw crosses well, forcing Holgate to head behind, and Rooney's corner isn't terrible, swinging out to the penalty spot area. But Funes Mori heads away and United recycle possession, Rooney drifting right and unfurling a cross under which Stones is caught. Zlatan pulls off him and brings the ball down, but Stekelenburg stays big and blocks at his near post.

41'

The speed of United's passing around the edge of the box is nowhere near what it should be, but eventually Carrick spreads wide to Shaw, and he thunders into a shot that Baines deflects behind. The corner is wasted.

38' 

Finally, a player gets on the ball with space into which he can run. It's Martial, taking a pass from Rooney, sweeping it into his path, and pacing by Coleman. But Coleman - and Holgate - get back at him well, the former sliding in and catching the ball under his body, allowing the rest of his mates to get back.

37' 

United tip-tap around the fringes of the box, Zlatan again to the fore. But he can't find the right pass, those around him can't find the right angle, and eventually a dink is headed back to Stekelenburg by Coleman.

35' 

Everton are committing more men forward now, but United look relatively well organised at the back. Neither side looks replete with attacking invention.

32'

Lukaku gets the ball 30 yards out and runs straight into Carrick. But this does him a favour, because although he loses the ball in the first instance, Carrick is in no position to stop him retrieving it. So he tries a shot which is blocked and the rebound falls to Deulofeu - from ten yards, he hits a low shot too close to De Gea. Good save, mind.

30' 

Lovely deft, first-time lay-off for Zlatan to Lingard, who finds Martial immediately. He looks for the back post, but his cross is overhit.

29' 

Paul Pogba would get into this United side in at least four different positions.

27' 

It's mainly attack against defence now, and Valencia has a crossing opportunity, so naturally drills the ball into the nearest available shins. The ensuing corner is wasted.

25'

Rooney takes possession just outside the box and slots a pass through for Zlatan, who's pulled away on the left of the box. He's not got much of an angle for the shot, so that when he shoots, it's easy for Stekelenburg to beat it away.

23' 

Barry misses the ball and Herrera robs him, finding Zlatan, who holds it up with significant expertise. He eventually offloads to Martial, 25 yards out, and his attempted curler is deflected behind for a corner which comes to nothing.

21' 

Rooney collects the ball in midfield and finds Zlatan, who skips away from Funes Mori and breaks into the box, left side.. But Holgate is at him to quickly and hard, relieving him of possession and clearing well.

20' 

Shaw gets himself forward and collects possession inside the box - this is promising. So he cuts back a cross behind everyone by way of compensation.

20' 

Something, I dare you to happen.

19' 

Everton get down the right, Coleman tries a cross, Blind intercepts. And sets Lingard away, but Coleman and Holgate switch on the afterburners and catch up easily.

16' 

Nice from Everton, McCarthy hitting Deulofeu with a long pass, and he turned adroitly to slide a through ball for Lukaku between Bailly and Blind. But like a closing Tube door, they sidled across to cut it out.

15' 

United enterprisingly work the ball back to De Gea, and Everton diligently allow him to dwell on it for several minutes.

14' 

Neither side has done anything of the remotest note thus far, though Everton look comfortable in this formation, testament to the coaching of Ronald Koeman.

12' 

Almost every Everton players appears to be wearing yellow boots, which is oddly disconcerting, given the yellow bands on their stockings. Perhaps some bells on the toes might complete the look.

10' 

Herrera feeds a ball into Zlatan, dropping off, and he turns to slide one into Rooney, right side of the box. It's a nice idea, but he's offside.

10' 

So far, this game is a tribute to late-era Wayne Rooney.

8' 

United are sitting off Everton when they have the ball at the back, which I guess is a consequence of their aforementioned lack of pace. It's probably not the best way to play Everton's three centre-backs.

7' 

Rooney gets on the sphere for the first time and the crowd shout his name, then he nips a short, hard pass into Zlatan who can't control.

5' 

Talking of Barkley, this is a big season for him, young though he is - he needs to improve and show that he's learning the game. In the meantime, Carrick makes himself available to receive a short pass from De Gea, is rushed by McCarthy, and only just gets it back and away from danger.

4' 

Barkley is now wearing 8, where previously he was wearing 20. But what does it mean?

3' 

Pardon me for suggesting such a thing on such a night, but I wonder if Unted will have enough pace with Rooney behind Zlatan, even with Shaw and Valencia on the wings and Martial and Mkhitaryan on the flanks.

1' 

Zlatan peels away to the right and drifts a ball towards the far post, but gets too much on it for Martial.

1'

And away we go!

20:01 

What is it with friendlies and tardiness? Do people not have things to do?

20:00 

David Moyes is in the crowd, plotting his next stint as United manager.

19:59 

The players are out ... and here comes Rooney and sons through a guard of honour! Choking up, here.

19:55 

Anyway, what with all the kerfuffle, it's easy to forget that there's a crucial pre-season friendly taking place tonight. By the looks of things, Bailly and Blind is going to be Mourinho's starting partnership at centre-back, but it's hard to know too much about the rest because he's not selected consistent starting line-ups, or even partnerships.

As for Everton, they'll be playing 3-5-2, with Ronaldo Koeman very kindly getting John Stones fit before he leaves for Manchester City. Also starting is Romelu Lukaku, whose nightmare when the teams last met, in the Cup semi-final, was of an exceedingly high standard. He's another who might be off before the transfer window "slams shut".

19:52 

Oh good, Olly Murs is here to lend his expertise to proceedings. He is wearing a turtle neck tucked into gaberdine trousers, with a brown belt. Serious stuff.

19:52 

But who doesn't love a Telethon?

19:48 

Back. And while I was fighting with things, the evening turned into some kind of tax-deductible telethon. Anyway, should you fancy summat to read on the paradox of Wayne Rooney, here's summat to read on the paradox of Wayne Rooney.

19:45 

Apologies for the delay in comments, the old dial up internet passed out on me.

19:26 

Turns out Rooney was quite a useful player, back in the day.

19:21 
19:20 

And the Everton team...

19:17 

Somehow, Wayne Rooney has been picked yet again. Just what does he have to do to get dropped? Disgrace imnvho tbqhwy.

19:14 

Evening all, and happy birthday Wayne!