The Warm-Up: The Alexis Sanchez transfer relay race
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Updated 16/01/2018 at 07:52 GMT
Here's Jack Lang with a shirt-printing, Lineker-baiting, Neymar-gasping round-up of the latest football news
Alexis Sanchez of Arsenal during the Carabao Cup Semi-Final First Leg match between Chelsea and Arsenal
Image credit: Getty Images
TUESDAY’S BIG STORIES
Hot potato
“Four sprinters, in the same designated lane, each run 100m to complete a lap of the track. During their individual legs they have to carry a baton that must be passed to the next runner within a 20m changeover box. The outgoing runner usually runs at full speed with an arm stretched out behind in order to receive the baton.
“Slick handovers can compensate for a lack of basic speed – but dropping the baton is a regular occurrence. The first team across the finish line, baton in hand, wins.”
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Adam Gemili hands the baton to Daniel Talbot of Great Britain in the Men's 4x100 Metres Relay heats during day nine of the 16th IAAF World Athletics Championships London 2017 at The London Stadium on August 12, 2017 in London, United Kingdom.
Image credit: Getty Images
No, not The Warm-Up’s words, dear reader, but those of The International Association of Athletics Federations. And relevant here because – as we can now reveal after a feat of investigative journalism of which the Spotlight team would have been proud – someone at the Premier League has bizarrely opted to apply the rules of the 4 x 100m relay to the transfer of Alexis Sanchez.
We know, we know: it makes no sense. And yet it kind of does explain recent events. For just a couple of days after Manchester United entered the race for the Chilean, sneaking in to snatch the baton from Man City (“slick handovers can compensate for a lack of basic speed”), it appears that we may be entering another changeover box.
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sanchez
Image credit: Eurosport
Enter Chelsea, newly bereft of anything even remotely resembling a goal threat and keen to run the third leg of the relay by convincing Sanchez to stay in London. And then move aside to leave the home straight to… well, we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it.
Or if we come to it, because Sanchez is still believed to favour Old Trafford at this stage. And United’s decision to leave Armenian bargaining chip Henrikh Mkhitaryan out of their squad to face Stoke only furthers the feeling that they’re in pole position. “I would lie if I said it was a pure tactical decision,” said Jose Mourinho.
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Jose Mourinho
Image credit: Getty Images
Also Mourinho: “No news on Alexis Sanchez. He is an Arsenal player. If he stays, it’s great for Arsenal. If he comes to us, great for us. If he goes to another club, great for them.”
So nothing done yet, then (“dropping the baton is a regular occurrence”), but with Manchester City now officially out of the running, it looks like the Red Devils might just ignore the rest of the rules and run the 300m on their own.
The greatest hits of Eddie Niedzwiecki
Ah yes, Manchester United vs Stoke. Or, as Stoke’s starting XI would have it, Manchester United vs the year 2008, with Darren Fletcher, Stephen Ireland, Peter Crouch and Charlie Adam all in their squad, plus Paul Lambert – announced as the new manager earlier in the day – watching on.
It went about as well as could be expected for caretaker boss Eddie Niedzwiecki, whose charges were given the run-around by a rampant Paul Pogba, who set up Antonio Valencia and Anthony Martial to put United in command, then enjoyed himself in the second half as Romelu Lukaku added a third.
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Martial et Pogba célèbrent un but face à Stoke
Image credit: Getty Images
#CroesoGiggsy
Q: What do you do when you want to put together one of those natty signing videos with a shirt number being printed, but the person you’ve signed isn’t a player but a manager?
A: Do it anyway, and just whack his name on the front of the jersey. It’ll look fantastic and absolutely no one will laugh.
Except, no, sorry, Welsh FA. You’ve just made your new coach look like the public face of a generic tech firm (GIGGS: software solutions for today’s fast-paced business environment) who have, against the advice of their more savvy shareholders, agreed to sponsor the British and Irish Lions on their forthcoming tour of Lookicantpretendiknowanymoreaboutrugbysville.
“We’re delighted to lend our name to one of the globe’s premier transnational rugby brands,” said regional marketing lead Ryan Wilson, reading from the back of a tear-stained beer mat.
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Ryan Giggs, Galles ct, Getty Images
Image credit: Getty Images
Anyway, cool news for Giggsy, who finally has the top level management role he’s been awkwardly waiting around for for the last three or so years. Good things come to those who refuse to even consider proving themselves at a lower level, as the old adage goes.
One question lingers, however: just what did the so-called “Hollywood interview” that failed to land the job for Craig Bellamy entail? Studio lighting? A troupe of go-go dancers? A spot of [HEAVILY REDACTED], per Tinseltown custom? The Warm-Up awaits the future freedom-of-information request with eager anticipation.
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Craig Bellamy made his Wales debut 15 years ago
Image credit: PA Sport
IN OTHER NEWS
Public service announcement: Paul Gascoigne is excellent on Twitter and you need his account in your life NOW. If you don’t believe us, Monday’s highlights included nostalgia:
…adorable stream-of-consciousness mini-biographies:
…digs at Gary Lineker:
…and, yep, a bit more nostalgia:
What a guy. Long may this continue.
HEROES AND ZEROS
Hero: Cyrille Regis
Gone, but very much not forgotten. A proper player… and, even more importantly, a proper role model. Rest in peace.
Zero: Neymar (although not really)
— PARIS SAINT-GERMAIN TRAINING CANCELLED DUE TO MORALLY UNCONSCIONABLE FILTH —
Paris Saint-Germain players were forced to abandon their morning training session on Monday after Neymar produced what onlookers called a “career-threatening” piece of trickery.
One of the Brazilian’s team-mates – at this stage unnamed, presumably in an attempt to protect his identity – was plunged into existential turmoil after being twisted inside out and nutmegged at approximately 10.43am. He walked over to the car park in a daze before being taken to a local hospital for tests.
“It was unethical, frankly,” said a source close to the PSG squad. “Neymar and Dani Alves were giggling, but the poor victim looked like a man destined for a lifetime of therapy.”
More to follow.
HAT TIP
Once again, Jardel became the undisguised focal point of an attack and, once again, he delivered. Or, rather, he was delivered to. The left boot of Ljubinko Drulovic formed an expansive partnership with the head of Jardel, and the results were astonishing. In his debut season of 1996/97, Jardel scored 30 times in the league – finishing ten goals clear of his nearest challenger, Boavista’s Jimmy Floyd Hasselbaink.
COMING UP
It’s FA Cup third-round replay night, with five games on the slate: Reading vs Stevenage, Sheffield Wednesday vs Carlisle, West Ham vs Shrewsbury, Mansfield Town vs Cardiff and Leicester vs Fleetwood.
It’s that final match that probably holds the most interest, with one man in particular likely to be in the spotlight. Jamie Vardy didn’t even make the squad to play his old employers at Highbury Stadium – handily, the other players respected the strict ‘no Vardy, no party’ rule and played out a 0-0 draw – but can make amends tonight if inveterate French bluesman ‘Whispering’ Claude Puel decides to play his first-teamers.
Tomorrow’s Warm-Up will be brought to you by Alexander Chick, whose name sounds like a character from a Pixar movie about precocious talking farm animals.
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