The Warm-Up: Lads, it's Man United

Ordinarily, the eight minutes between Marouane Fellaini’s entrance and Marouane Fellaini’s inglorious (supposedly fitness-related) exit would have been the most notable chunk of time from last night’s Tottenham vs Man United match. But that comedic cameo was well and truly upstaged by the game’s opening salvo – a 100m sprint of a start from Spurs that paved the way for a memorable night at Wembley.

Six touches, five players and 10:48 seconds: that’s all it took for United’s defence to melt like a Solero in the summer sun. Harry Kane beat Phil Jones in the air, Dele Alli flicked the ball back and Christian Eriksen strolled in to slam a finish past David De Gea. “Ridiculous,” said Jose Mourinho after the game, and he had a point.

And if the Portuguese looked ready to burst into a ball of flames in the wake of that sucker punch, the feeling never really left him over the 89 minutes that followed. United, who lined up with four forwards but basically no midfield, never looked remotely threatening, while Tottenham waltzed about and enjoyed themselves.

Admittedly, they would need a helping hand to double their advantage, Jones capping an endlessly hapless personal display with a pinpoint finish into the top corner of his own net. But they might have had a hatful after that, and the balance of play was that of an elephant sharing a see-saw with a firefly.

This, obviously, seemed light years away from the ‘Lads, it’s Tottenham’ days of yore. Yet United’s blushes on the night were minimally reduced, if not completely saved, by Chelsea, who chose last night to stage their own test implosion in the form of a 3-0 home defeat to Bournemouth.

That, of course, if further good news for Spurs, who are now six games unbeaten and just two points behind Antonio Conte’s goal-allergic sloggers. Whisper it softly, but with Liverpool and a new-look Arsenal also in the mix, we could be looking at a proper Royal Rumble battle for places two to four in the table.

Ah, yes: Arsenal. 24 hours on from their Swansea shocker, the flags of optimism were again hoisted above the Emirates, with transfer deadline day bringing heaps of glad tidings. First came the £56million acquisition of Scrabble favourite Pierre-Emerick Aubameyang – a signing welcomed by everyone except, one presumes, Alexandre Lacazette, who should probably start looking into memory-foam cushions to make the next few months a few percent more bearable.

Then, perhaps even more significantly, the Gunners confirmed that Mesut Ozil has signed a new contract. And just like that, The Emirates Two were no more. Of course, this being Arsenal, the afternoon could not pass without some minor disappointment: a rumoured swoop for David Luiz – how fun would that have been?! – came to nada, while Olivier Giroud snuck off to make Chelsea’s strikeforce even more dreamy.

Other notable moves included (deep breath now): Andre Ayew and Andy King to Swansea, Jordan Hugill to West Ham, Islam Slimani to Newcastle, Lucas Moura to Spurs, Michy Batshuayi to Dortmund and Badou Ndiaye to Stoke.

And the Peter Odemwingie Award for failed escapology goes to – drum roll please – Riyad Mahrez! Yes, the Algerian will be surely be involved in some of the nation’s most awkward pre-work chat when he shuffles into Leicester training today, his on-off-off-off-yep-sorry-definitely-off move to Manchester City having failed to materialise.

There may not have been any Alan-Patridge-esque interviews from car windows, but Mahrez had nonetheless made his desire to leave the King Power perfectly obvious, apparently going AWOL just hours before the Foxes’ game against Everton. The Warm-Up imagines he was lurking in a car park somewhere near Droylsdon, joy-binging on Jelly Babies, only for his afternoon to turn sour as a series of City bids were rebuffed by Leicester.

Still, at least ‘Whispering’ Claude Puel seems like the forgiving type. “It’s a difficult situation for him and the club,” the Frenchmen said after his side’s 2-1 loss to Goodison Park. “All the players and staff will help him come back with a smile.”

Just when we thought we might be on the downslope of the weird-announcement-video craze, here come Aston Villa with one of the most confounding efforts to date.

This, objectively, is quite funny, although The Warm-Up is not quite sure whether that’s in a ha-ha way or a strange-man-dressed-up-as-your-auntie-and-attending-family-barbecue way. Both, maybe?

It is easy, in this day and age, to squander one’s rage on pissy tweets and Facebook statuses that only your tenuous semi-friends will ever read. Well done to these Magpies supporters, then, for channeling their inner Bundesliga fans and producing this wonderfully verbose message before the Burnley match last night:

Think of all the things that go into a good penalty: conviction, confidence, clarity of mind, technique and so on. Then take them all away and picture the kind of spot-kick you’d be left with.

Struggling? Don’t worry! Here’s Dodo, who did it in real life yesterday and moved a couple of steps closer to extinction in the process:

One day, The Warm-Up will get tired of David Ornstein memes. But yesterday was not that day, and there was much amusement to be had rifling through the responses to the BBC journalist/heartthrob’s Ozil exclusive.

Down the rabbit hole we go, then…

Crying here. If you want a more nuanced take on Ozil news, by the way, try this from BBC News’ media editor. Really makes you think.

Wait, you want MORE after yesterday’s madness? The Warm-Up salutes you and points you in the direction of this evening’s Copa del Rey action. It was all square between Leganes and Sevilla last night, and now it’s the turn of Barcelona and Valencia to do battle in the first leg of their semi-final.

The league meeting before these sides just before Christmas was a cracker, with Messi magic, frazzled nerves and amusing disallowed goals, so there’s every chance of a thriller at the Camp Nou. It starts at 8.30pm.