The Warm-Up: Where next for the Manchester United misery safari?
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Updated 08/08/2018 at 07:51 GMT
Jack Lang puts on his best David Attenborough voice and learns a new facial expression from Jamie Carragher...
Manchester United manager Jose Mourinho
Image credit: Reuters
WEDNESDAY’S BIG STORIES
Don’t feed the wildlife
Greetings, traveller! As you’ll be aware, we’re now entering the final knockings of the Misery Safari – still legally known as Manchester United Pre-Season 2018 – so we encourage you to soak in every last bit of the view before filling in your feedback cards and disembarking on Friday.
Yes, you’re right, it will be sad when this little jaunt comes to an end. We’ve had a blast, haven’t we?! Remember our first glimpse of a wild Jose Mourinho in his natural environment? The press-conference glare-a-thon with the moaning and the negativity? No, the other one! Hahaha! Good times.
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José Mourinho imprimé sur un T-shirt
Image credit: Getty Images
But don’t start thinking about work and your family just yet, friend. We’ve still got a few blockbuster attractions left on the itinerary! Look now, to the left. Further – beyond the trees. That magnificent specimen is Paul Pogba, agitating for a transfer. If you picked up the Daily Mail this morning, you’ll have read that “he has told his Manchester United team-mates that he is desperate to leave Old Trafford for Barcelona.” What a sight!
Now look out front. Slowly now: these guys spook easily. That’s a herd of central defenders. Not quite world-class, but still fairly rare in these parts. One of them has the biggest head. And there! Look! One of them is on the phone, telling the hunters he intends to keep roaming. So polite, the Boateng species.
It’s time to head back to base camp, traveller. What a ride it has been. One word of warning as we approach the entrance: beware of the lone Woodward bird that stalks these grounds. He’s keen to feed before Thursday night and time is ticking, especially now with the great Mourinho on his tail.
He doesn’t usually go for riff-raff like us, but desperation makes people do funny things. He once thought Matteo Darmian was a respectable meal, for heaven’s sake.
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Manchester United's executive vice-chairman Ed Woodward says the club are on course for record revenues in the year ending June 30, 2017
Image credit: PA Sport
Stan’s plans
There was big movement behind the scenes at Arsenal yesterday, as amateur fancy-dress enthusiast Stan Kroenke (“Who shall I pretend to be at work today? Ah, yes: Inspector Gadget!”) agreed a deal to buy out Alisher Usmanov and take full control of the club.
The price? A cool £550million for a 30% stake. Nice work if you’ve got that kind of cash lying around. Except, oh, hang on, what’s this little detail? “Kroenke will be borrowing £557m from Deutsche Bank to finance the purchase plus costs.”
All together now: “Go, go, gadget credit function!”
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Arsenal's US Owner Stan Kroenke
Image credit: Getty Images
Goal-Kepa
Transfer records don’t last very long these days, do they? Just a few short weeks after Liverpool paid £67million to make Alisson the most expensive goalkeeper of all time, Chelsea are set to trump them by splashing £72million on Athletic Club stopper Kepa.
Yes, friends, that’s a keeper called Kepa. The Warm-Up can only assume Maurizio Sarri will now also be going after Brazilian centre-back Rodrigo Defendi… although – full disclosure – we’ve come up disappointingly short in our quest to find a midfielder and forward to really complete this joke in a satisfactory manner.
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Spain's goalkeeper Kepa Arrizabalaga attends a training session at Krasnodar Academy on June 21, 2018, during the Russia 2018 World Cup football tournament.
Image credit: Getty Images
IN OTHER NEWS
Jermaine Pennant’s autobiography, which is being serialised in the Mirror, is way funnier if you imagine he’s talking about actual birds, with wings and beaks, in passages like this:
“Basically, you and your mates will go out to a club, you get your own table, some bottles of beer brought over. Then there will be this flock of birds a few steps away. They don’t at first interact with you but you’re aware that they are there. Then there’s another group over the other side.”
(PLOT TWIST: Was Pennant the tour guide in the Man United safari all along? Find out next week, folks!)
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Jermaine Pennant (PA Photos)
Image credit: PA Photos
HEROES AND ZEROES
Hero: Rob Green
The [shakes head in disbelief that this is factually accurate in 2018] Chelsea goalkeeper was the key man as the Blues concluded their pre-season preparations against Lyon, saving Pape Diop’s spot-kick in the shootout after a 0-0 draw.
Rob Green! The Warm-Up is already wondering where this trend will lead us this season. Just think of the headlines:
– CHRIS KIRKLAND RESCUES ARSENAL
– PSG CHASING RICHARD WRIGHT
– JOE HART BACK IN THE ENG… haha, no, sorry, let’s not be unrealistic.
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Robert Green of Chelsea saves a penalty which leads Chelsea to win a penalty shootout during the pre-season friendly match between Chelsea and Lyon at Stamford Bridge on August 7, 2018 in London, England.
Image credit: Getty Images
Zero: Willian
The inaugural Terrible Liar of the Week gong goes to the Brazilian winger. Not for anything he did against Lyon, but for his claim that his pointed emoji-redaction of Antonio Conte’s image on that infamous FA Cup celebration post on Instagram (Great Sentences of Western Civilisation, #50,536).
On you go then, son: “My daughter was playing with my cellphone and she ended up putting those emojis over Conte.” Ah yes. Blame your infant child. How noble.
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Willian Instagram post
Image credit: Instagram
IN THE CHANNELS
The Warm-Up hasn’t the foggiest idea about the context of this clip, but will 100% be using that facial expression on a daily basis for the next five years. At least.
RETRO CORNER
Brazil legend Zito – one of the best midfielders of all time – would have been 86 today. Here’s a video of him, Pele and other team-mates recalling one of their greatest triumphs in the canary-yellow shirt: that of the 1962 World Cup in Chile.
COMING UP
[Adopts best David Bowie voice] Ch-ch-ch-Champions League qualifiers! Celtic, fresh from their opening league win of the season against Livingston, are back in European action this evening, aiming to establish a first-leg advantage over AEK Athens.
A quick glance at the Greek side’s squad suggests the Hoops shouldn’t have too much to worry about – it’s Dmytro Chygrynskiy and a load of Football Manager regens – but you imagine Brendan Rodgers will want to guard against complacency.
Jack Lang will be back in the hot seat for Thursday’s Warm-Up. He really does need to find a way to cool that seat of his down.
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