World Cup 2022: Of course it's Cristiano Ronaldo’s goal for Portugal in Qatar – The Warm-Up

A fantastic double from Cristiano Ronaldo – the first a glancing header, the second from the penalty spot after being substituted – fired Portugal to a 2-0 win over Uruguay and into the World Cup last 16.

Triggered? Now we’re not categorically saying he didn’t touch it, we’re just saying that if you want to convince everyone your fringe has delicately caressed the ball into the bottom corner, you should probably drop your trademark celebration and not share the spotlight with your team-mates for the first time in your career aged 37. Especially if that goal has carted your nation towards the knockouts of a tournament you have never won and, on a personal note, drawn you level on World Cup goals with the most famous player in your country who doesn’t look exactly like you.

There are photos that show Ronaldo's head alongside the ball – but there are also photos that show the moon blocking the sun, and we’ve been assured there’s at least five miles between those guys. Anything can look convincing in 2D. Except your argument, Flat Earth fans.

And yet despite the compelling evidence that there was no touch, we’re more than happy for Ronaldo to have the goal. Not simply because it will upset a lot of people, but also because without his despairing neck hyperextension the ball would not have found the net. If Ronaldo is not in the frame, Sergio Rochet in the Uruguay goal can simply catch Bruno Fernandes’ cross. So whether he brushes it or not, it’s indisputably Ronaldo’s goal.

With Senegal and Serbia struggling, Portugal are starting to look good as this tournament’s ‘dark horses’. This is the World Cup of second halves and Portugal haven’t dared score any of their five goals before the 54th minute, suggesting they are a big-moment team. Or that they spend the first half trying to get Ronaldo to score, then give up and start playing well. Either way, they are through to the knockouts along with France and Brazil.

As for Uruguay, defeat means they must win their final game against *checks notes* OH LORD. Say it isn’t so. Uruguay ain’t getting anything from that match.

Stop reading! Stand up! Fall backwards! Which body part touched the floor first? If it was your hand, congratulations, you’re a regular, functioning human being. If it wasn’t your hand, commiserations on your injury (please don’t sue, we’re poor), but take solace from the fact you wouldn’t have given away a penalty had referee Alireza Faghani just burst in on you.

We understand VAR exists to prevent mistakes. It’s a noble aim. But we’re still baffled by the application of VAR, which seems to have the twin ambitions of making terrible decisions and/or destroying the fleeting joy of living in the moment.

The first ambition was evident when Uruguay defender Jose Maria Gimenez had the temerity to stick his arm out while toppling backwards inside the penalty area, inadvertently halting a delicious nutmeg with his arm as he fell. It was never a penalty, but with the extra ‘safety net’ of VAR, Faghani used technology supposed to prevent a catastrophe to create one. Much like when duplicate envelopes, the 'safety net' to ensure the results could not be lost, led to La La Land briefly winning Best Picture at the Oscars instead of Moonlight in 2017.

But it’s actually the second ambition of VAR that we’re more upset with, as evidenced in Brazil’s 1-0 win over Switzerland. Now officially, Richarlison was wildly offside in the build-up to Vinicius Jr’s goal being chalked out with the game goalless. But we’re not having it. He ran back from an offside position – ending up 10 yards onside by the time he touched it – to prod the ball forward, then three other players touched the ball before it was in the net.

The linesman should have spotted it and called a halt to the whole charade, but after he didn’t, and Vinicius ran through to score brilliantly, the Brazilians celebrated as only they can. Richarlison starting in an offside position had no influence on the final outcome, and yet VAR Towers had no choice but to disallow it. Correct? Sure. Good for the game? Nah.

We’re dangerously close to restarts being celebrated more passionately than a goal, the sound of a referee signalling a kick-off having more significance than the ball thwacking the net. We’re sure the reliance on VAR means more decisions are technically correct. But is football, a sport that lacks meaning if removed from the present moment, really better for it?

We don’t want to jinx it, but we can’t complete our morning briefing without acknowledging that the only way England miss out on the knockouts is by losing by four or more goals. To Wales. The same Wales that put Gareth Bale and Aaron Ramsey in an anti-aging machine, then accidentally pressed the wrong buttons and ended up celebrating their 60th birthdays in Qatar.

So yeah, that’s not happening. But England could do with a victory to guarantee top spot in Group B and restore some much-needed morale. We just hope Gareth Southgate watched how Brazil’s attacking substitutions, chiefly Bruno Guimaraes and Rodrygo, turned a goalless draw into an enormous win. Yes, yes, we’ve heard the rumours about Jordan Henderson. Yes, yes, we’re as sad as you.

This cheeky chap toed the line between respect and self-interest magnificently after Ghana's epic 3-2 win over South Korea, consoling a tearful Son Heung-min with one arm, and casually taking a selfie with the other.

He’s going to get a lot of heat for this, and judging by the footage, the selfie angles are probably all wrong, but sometimes in life you’ve just got to shoot your shot.

We just hope he said “Cheese, Son’s crying” while he was taking the snap or it will all have been for nothing.

We have no words, except that this man should be extremely relieved he pulled this stunt against South Korea. Any other nation, Japan excluded, and this video would not be publishable on a family-friendly website.

We bid an emotional goodbye to the 10am game, the beloved staple of this World Cup, and say hello to split-screen action. Groups A and B conclude on Tuesday, starting with Ecuador v Senegal and Netherlands v Qatar (15:00), and finishing with Iran v USA and Wales 4-0 England (19:00).