Blazin’ Saddles: Tour de Farce – Four-some Mark Cavendish riles Kittel

It was somewhat symbolic that the day Mark Cavendish matched his rivals Marcel Kittel and Andre Greipel by once again winning four stages in the Tour – something both misfiring Germans have managed in recent years – would coincide with a total meltdown by Kittel.

What should have been Cavendish’s easiest win this July became a controversial flashpoint when the Manxman deviated as he zoomed past Kittel, forcing the Etixx-QuickStep powerhouse to swerve violently and then throw his arms up in protest.

Judge it for yourselves…

Kittel was so incandescent with rage that he imagined some kind of actual bodily contact had occurred between the two superstar sprinters.

But it didn’t stop there, with Kittel apparently getting his own back by delivering Cavendish his own tap on the shoulder in the finish zone…

Kittel, winner of four stages in both 2013 and 2014 before essentially taking a sabbatical in 2015, lodged an official complaint having told reporters: “He [Cavendish] swerved to the right and I needed to brake to avoid collision. It's not up to me to decide if he made a mistake.”

But the powers that be gave Cavendish the benefit of the doubt – clearly seeing that the Dimension Data sprinter was the fastest of the pair and that Kittel had no real chance of making up the ground in the final 100 metres.

As for Cavendish, he refused to even deign to raise the issue of whether or not he had sprinted correctly, instead turning the screw by stressing he knew that Kittel would be on the ropes in the finale – no doubt riling his rival even further.

“Following my instinct, I would have jumped earlier but when I saw Marcel Kittel taking the lead with only four guys two kilometers before the end, I understood it would kill him ultimately. I just had to wait for him to lose some speed.”

It was left to the voice of reason, Peter Sagan, to introduce some levity and sense into proceedings. Showcasing his grasp on mathematics, the ever-quotable world champion said: “I don't know what made Marcel Kittel complain about Cavendish in the sprint. I was far back and I was coming to the front. I'm happy with my third place.

“Cavendish is good! What's his record of stage wins at the Tour de France? Six? He's still three to go to beat his record then. He has done a strong sprint again today. He's ready for the Olympics. There's no hierarchy among the sprinters. One year it's Kittel winning most of them, the year after it's Greipel, now Cavendish is back. Good on him!”

As for what seemed like the 10 hours that preceded the finale, it was a tough day for TV viewers on the Tour de France, with a block headwind making progress very slow. Indeed, the peloton took an hour to complete just 30 kilometres before a break of four finally extricated itself from the pack.

With talking points at a minimum it was lucky that a picture had emerged overnight of one of the most frightening crashes you’ll probably see on this year’s Tour – caused during Friday’s blustery time trial when a gust of wind caught Julian Alaphilippe’s rear disc wheel and send the Frenchman flying into a rock face.

Incredibly, the Etixx-QuickStep rider not only completed the stage but only appeared to have grazed his thumb in the fall… (Zut alors - he's since taken down the photographic evidence!)

Anyway, Alaphilippe wasn’t the only French person to suffer a tumble on Friday after it emerged that Miss France – who is following the Tour with French TV – had also come a cropper while riding a nearby cyclosportive.

Pas-de-Calais beauty Iris Mittenaere apparently skidded when coming out of the tunnel on a descent and broke her collarbone. Perhaps she had her head in the clouds. And that's no lazy sexist stereotype: the night before she had done a sky dive for yet another TV commitment…

Meanwhile, back on the race, breakaway specialist Jeremy Roy (FDJ) was getting so bored he took to playing Pokemon Go.

With stage 14 well behind the slowest estimated schedule some Tour officials started to get a little bit anxious themselves.

Fans, too, took to innovative ways of keeping their interest up.

Where was a topless man eating a melon when you needed him?

Eventually the peloton started to up the tempo as the race headed closer and closer to the Parc des Oiseaux – or exotic bird park – where the expected bunch sprint finale was to take place.

Alex Howes (Cannondale-Drapac) was the first of the escapees to sit up and call it a day – and you couldn’t exactly fault his logic.

Cesare Benedetti (Bora-Argon18) was the next to falter, leaving just two men up front battling for the combativity award – Roy and Swiss veteran Martin Elmiger (IAM Cycling).

In the end both Roy and Elmiger were swept up at exactly the same time after sharing the ubiquitous hand-shake as the peloton loomed large.

No surprises who will wear the red dossard on Saturday: that man Roy, of course.

Cavendish’s swerve on Kittel did at least inject a little bit of drama to an otherwise drab day. At least we have this to look forward to in Sunday stage 15.

And finally, we pity the poor soul who had to choose the five best moments of Saturday’s stage, but here it is all the same…

(... and yes, apologies, that Barguil puncture is really scraping the barrel...)