A day in the life of... Wayne Rooney

6.30am: Wayne Rooney wakes up and walks down the stairs to make breakfast for everyone. He doesn’t bother looking where he’s going, and immediately misses the first step, falling down the full flight. Miraculously, he is totally unharmed, and the rest of the family don’t want to embarrass him, so pretend as if nothing untoward happens.

6.45am: Rooney decides to get started on breakfast, dusting down his jogging bottoms which got dirty as they brushed against the skirting board on the stairs. He pulls out a bowl for his kid’s cereal, and instantly drops it. Chuckling to himself, ‘I must not be awake yet,’ he sweeps up the mess as his family step around the shards.

6.46am: He then tries again, once all the debris is cleared up, and smashes another bowl. He repeats the process.

6.47am: Another bowl smashed.

6.48am: Another.

7.01am: He finally gets a bowl out without dropping it, and successfully places it on the kitchen table, and manages to pour most of the cereal and milk into the bowl. His son patiently waits for his meal, and Rooney doesn’t notice his wife cleaning up the trail of destruction he’s left behind him. She assures him she’s incredibly grateful for all the effort, but she’ll take care of the rest of it.

8.15am: Rooney decides to head back up to the bedroom to get ready for the journey down to London for the Arsenal game, and trips up on the first, third and twelfth step. He never used to have problems with the stairs, but his absent-mindedness seems to be getting worse. Never mind, he reasons, he’s sure he’ll get back to normal given enough time, as he bounces off the door frame and into the bedroom.

8.30am: With plenty of time to spare before he needs to set off, he asks his son if he fancies a couple of games of the new FIFA. Kai happily agrees, and is able to beat his dad 16 successive times. Rooney remembers when he’d easily beat his son, even when trying to lose against him, without success, when he was too young to properly handle the controller. Now it seemed like he was just too slow and old to properly understand the game.

He asks him if he fancies a kickabout in the garden, and then marvels at his son’s ability to race away from him, nutmeg him, flick the ball over his head, and never once be tackled by his dad. The game ends when Wayne tries a shot from a few yards out of the mini-goal, and sends the ball into next door’s garden. He makes a mental note to ask for that, and the seven other balls he lost yesterday, when he’s back from the Arsenal game.

12:05pm: Rooney sits down for his captain’s meeting with Louis van Gaal, where they go over the final notes for the game, and then they have a wider discussion about how the season is going. Rooney asks if there’s anything else he can do for the side, knowing that the press have started to turn on him.

Van Gaal beams back at Rooney, and assures him that he will be captain as long as he does all that Van Gaal asks for, and that he is more than happy, as is Ed Woodward, with how Rooney as captain has been working out for Manchester United. By the way, says Van Gaal, don’t forget that you’ve got to meet a few sponsors over the next week for some photoshoots. They’re absolutely key to the philosophy of Manchester United now.

8:45pm: Rooney returns home from the match, disconsolate. He gave everything he could for the side, and knows that few things he attempted were successful. He vows to rediscover his best form, giving himself words alternately of admonishment and encouragement on his drive back to his house.

He knows that he has to improve, and that he possibly only has one or two more years at Manchester United before he’ll have to consider a move to MLS, or retire for good if injuries return to regularly knock him out of action. He also is a proud man, and wants to be able to lead England to the best of his ability at Euro 2016. With Harry Kane and Daniel Sturridge his competition, he doesn’t feel secure about his prospects, even if he’s captain of England too.

He closes the door, and his wife tells him that he’s got 7/10 from the Sun for today’s performance. Roy Hodgson sent a message of congratulation, as have several of the club’s and his own sponsors. It turns out, he is relieved to find, that this was another sparkling Rooney effort, and he decides to relax and enjoy the evening, instead of worrying about the future.