The Warm-Up: Boufal's run, Chelsea are fun and Koeman - u ok hun?

There were moments at Stamford Bridge – even before and certainly after Pedro had papered over the first crack with his highly videogenic goal – that it felt like a ensemble re-enactment of the Last Days of Jose. As Watford happily tiki-ed and taka-ed around Chelsea’s sleepy midfield, it was almost like a pre-match TV flashback (with faded colourisation and echoing newsreader words of doom) to when they fell apart at the seams in 2015/16.

Conceding a careless equaliser right on the cusp of half time was the first sucker punch, followed four minutes into the second half by a goal that summed up the staleness of Conte’s squad – Watford cruising through the middle to give Roberto Pereyra time and space to make it 2-1.

By that point, Richarlison had already – and inexplicably – put the ball wide with Thibaut Courtois’ goal gaping, and he would do so again with a header from six yards that would have made Chelsea’s desperate task a mountainous one.

Instead, Conte took one look at his team’s “Low battery – 10% remaining” message, tapped “ignore” and sent on Michy Batshuayi and Willian in search of some fresh legs and fresh ideas. There was a response. The Belgian glanced home a lovely header to equalise, and Willian’s 87th-minute cross eventually found the head of Cesar Azpilicueta, 50 yards from his defensive station. Batshuayi added some welcome, but scarcely deserved, gloss to the scoreline.

The immediate takeaway was that Chelsea might be running on fumes, but that their 2017/18 title defence has immeasurably more resolve than that of two seasons ago. That might be the case in mid-October, but every salvage operation will sap a little bit more of that spirit until Conte can repair their foundations.

We’ve had our fill of crisis clubs, now it’s time for Crisis City. The broadening Premier League power base means that it throws up regular Super Sunday showdowns between the bright lights of London and the Alderley Edge elites. The aggregate scores tend to be emphatic.

The story at Goodison Park was briefly about Wayne Rooney’s remastered radio mix of his goal against Arsenal almost exactly 16 years previously. Before that though, Arsenal’s rarely-seen attacking trio of Alexandre Lacazette, Alexi Sanchez and Mesut Ozil had already been given a good look under Everton’s defensive bonnet.

Rooney’s opener was going to be a mere footnote in what must surely be the final chapter of Ronald Koeman’s underwhelming reign. Sanchez’s goal – an Arsenal’s fifth – was an embarrassing nail in the coffin, after he had run in a taunting arc round the entire home defence before pinging the ball home in the other direction.

Koeman ticked off the dead-man-walking boxes in his interview: obviously the results aren’t good, now isn’t the time to talk about the future, the decision’s out of his hands. We’ve seen this all before.

Then, down at Wembley, it took precisely 12 minutes for Liverpool’s frailties to be laid bare in front of the biggest ever Premier League crowd. Tottenham were 2-0 up, and without breaking sweat.

“The first goal was a little throw in and we are not really there. It was just really bad, bad, bad defending,” Jurgen Klopp said afterwards. “The second, a counter attack, when the ball passes Dejan Lovren, it is already too late. “If I am involved in this situation on the pitch, then Harry [Kane] cannot get the ball.”

If the implication from the manager that even he might be a better solution in defence wasn’t damning enough, Sky’s co-commentator Gary Neville found his patience had also expired: “[Klopp’s] centre-backs and his goalkeeper will always kill him. They’re not good enough.”

It’s grim up north, and it’s not entirely down to the beautiful south.

Your niche Stat of the Week is a very well-researched one indeed, albeit a blow to the celebrity trichology industry:

Meanwhile, a perfect storm for the social media department at Burnley, who had been waiting patiently for a Tom Heaton injury and a trip to Manchester City to coincide:

And finally….well, wait for it.

Solo goals are an historically rich goalscoring genre, even if some (*cough* that George Weah one *cough*) can be a bit overrated. Anyway, if there was ever a fixture that needed lighting up with a goal, it’s Southampton v West Brom.

Step forward (to say the least), Sofiane Boufal.

Such goals are uniquely capable of packing in more individual humiliation than any other type. In this case, Boufal 1) twisted the blood of Allan Nyom, 2) left Jake Livermore throwing his hands up in defeat, 3) caused the retreating Nyom to end his second bite at the cherry by crashing into his own teammate Craig Dawson, 4) stepped inside the floundering Gareth McAuley and 5) calmly passed the ball beyond Ben Foster.

About as solo as solo goals get.

Dejan Lovren may have had his own torrid half-hour before being put out of his misery at Wembley on Sunday, but it was Manchester United’s £30.75m-worth of defensive nerves that set the tone.

Having replaced the injured Phil Jones – himself no poster boy for backline reassurance – Lindelof was first given the runaround by Aaron Mooy and Thomas Ince for Huddersfield’s opener, before he contravened Law 1.1 of the Schoolboy Defending Regulations: letting the ball bounce.

Red-tinted optimists pointed towards the slow start to Nemanja Vidic’s career before he became a fearless, bloodthirsty success. As it stands, it’s all a bit William Prunier. But with more hair.

Given his imperious current form, we were surely due a forensice examination of Kevin de Bruyne’s footballing upbringing. Belgian journalist Kristof Terreur has duly delivered with aplomb for the Guardian.

It’s 20 years to the day since one of the all-time great European away ties, which saw Chelsea travel to the Arctic Circle, go 2-0 down even before a blizzard descended, and then Gianluca Vialli ski to the rescue.

A mid-table clash in La Liga, where Real Sociedad take on Espanyol. That’s pretty much it. I recommend Long Shot on Netflix, though.