Blazin' Saddles: Does Team Sky's PR machine need the Sean Spicer treatment

With the storm clouds gathering above Team Sky following this week's Department of Culture, Media and Sport committee hearing, it's high time that Sir Dave Brailsford took things not so much into his own hands but those of Donald Trump's mouthpiece Sean Spicer for a very 2017 PR makeover.

After all, even Spicer – a man so combative he would even take on Big Mig in a lung-off – could inflict no more damage to Team Sky than Brailsford and his cronies have. Indeed, with the DCMS chair Damian Collins MP admitting that heads could roll at both Team Sky and British Cycling, even Brailsford has gone on record to admit that his personal public relations blunders have "made things worse".

Surely it's time to spice things up and call on the services of the one man who wouldn't so much as close the barn door after the horse has bolted as brazenly deny that the barn door was ever open – or even housed a horse in the first place.

So, here we have it... an entirely imaginary press conference involving Myriad Members of the Mendacious Media and Sky's Sean Spicer.

SS: That's just not true. He never even said that.

SS: No, those were the words he read the next day in the paper. So in fact he was using the words that the media were going to use. Sometimes we can disagree on the facts.

SS: What? It was only the other day that the Guardian claimed Sir David Brailsford was – and I quote – "an emperor with no clothes". First, you can't get more transparent than no clothes. Fact. Secondly, David is not an emperor, he's a Commander of the Order of the British Empire. And thirdly, he's actually fully dressed in pristine clothing supplied by our sponsor Castelli. In no way are these garments "in tatters" as you suggest. In fact, nobody is better dressed in cycling right now than Sir Dave Brailsford.

SS: This is less about Castelli and more an attack on David and his family here at Sky. Look, David ran for Commander, he won, he's now leading his country and British Cycling. And I think for people to take out their concern on a sponsor is not acceptable. This is a direct attack on his policies in their name. Now before we get to the actual news, I'd like to say that some members of the media have been engaged in deliberately false reporting.

SS: We've been through this before. Fluimucil. Yesterday's news. Next.

SS: Well that's because we were trialling out new administrative processes at that time.

SS: Primarily, post-it notes.

SS: Well, the answer to that stupid question is in their names: Richard is a free man to do as he sees fit, while Simon can certainly cope without typically egregious reporters like you who – let me remind the room – only recently tweeted out that a bust of Sir Chris Hoy had been removed from the Manchester Velodrome: this was just plain wrong, irresponsible and reckless. We merely moved it to a different location.

SS: He was ill. Something stress-related I am told.

SS: I thought it was Sweden – of all places – not Greece. But yes, that gist is correct: his laptop was stolen. I remember that he was particularly inconvenienced by this because he couldn't enter the office Velogames sweepstake ahead of the Tour.

SS: With all due respect, your network has been part of the confusion for as far as I remember, Richard never wears a hat. Except when he's attending the Arctic Race of Sweden.

SS: No, I clearly meant Norway. Stop trying to make me look stupid.

SS: You tell me. I have no idea what the Guardian Media Centre wishes to do.

SS: I'm not sure I appreciate your belligerent tone. Look, I'm not questioning the GMC or the UCI or UKAD or any other three- or four-letter agency.

SS: None whatsoever. That's fake news.

SS: We're looking at all of that, holistically.

SS: Look, British Cycling and Sky are the cleanest and most ethical bodies in the world. Period.

SS: That's not true. Those are false facts. There aren't even a thousand hours in the day.

SS: All I'll say here is that there's a difference between Fancy Bears trying to hack something and them having a discernible impact on the outcome. No-one is hacking anyway. The facts that we were initially presented with are clearly not accurate. And I find it interesting that you guys aren't asking the supposed hackers to show further proof when we've already undermined their case.

SS: Fake news. There have been no secret sessions with the Russians. Sir David Brailsford is the least Russian-inclined person in history ever. Period.

SS: Look, no one has numbers because the BBC does not put them out. And by the way, this applies to any attempts to count the number of protesters who apparently watch in the hope of seeing crashes on an icy piste. But we do know a few things, so let's go through the facts: we know that the ski resort had no vacant hotel rooms during Wiggins' time on the show, and that all of the space beside the slalom piste was full when he did his run to beat that Balls of Steel celebrity. We also know that the numbers of viewers who used ski lifts during filming was higher than those during the season in which Linford Christie starred, and that more people supported Bradley on skis than Victoria Pendleton in the Strictly ballroom. This was the largest audience to ever witness a performance in The Jump. Period. Both from the peloton and beyond the WorldTour.

SS: Sure. It was the most watched. It's unquestionable. I don't see any numbers that dispute that.

SS: What? You're just using words that the media is using.

SS: That may be, but hold on: it can't be a ban if we're engaging a million people – including foreign journalists – on Twitter. That is by nature not a ban.

SS: We would have one million but we have blocked some 271,000 followers.

SS: No. That's your word. David has made it extremely clear that it's an extreme vetting. Right, end of questions. Thanks for your time – I'm so glad we saw eye to eye on so many topics here today.