A transfer deadline day in the life... of Manchester United chief Ed Woodward

7:05am Ed Woodward wakes, performs his usual routine of pilates, while listening to his high-tempo Enya mix. Today is a day to be lithe and yet calm. If there is a man who defines the concepts of litheness and calmness more than Woodward, then he doesn’t want to know. Thinking for a couple of seconds, he thinks perhaps of Robert Downey Jr, but to the best of his knowledge, he doesn’t work in a position of power in football.

7:15am Woodward contacts his PA, and while she starts to talk about a couple of bids that have come in for some United players, he interrupts her, then talks over her for a good 10 seconds, to finally get her to stop talking.

He tells her he has an urgent assignment for her, and she relents. Waiting for a key piece of information to contact Southampton, Ahmed Musa’s agent or Jorge Mendes, she is somewhat surprised when Woodward asks her to find out if, in fact, Robert Downey Jr has any major role in world football.

7:32am Woodward sets off to drive to the office in Carrington. There’s a massive deal to be done, but he can’t let anyone know.

7:42am His assistant calls back a few minutes later, and asks if he would like to know about the bids that have come in. Woodward says such information is immaterial until the information on Downey Jr has been established. When his assistant says Louis van Gaal and the Glazers have both asked for their calls to be returned, he says not to tell them exactly what he’s working on for now, as they probably wouldn’t understand.

8:02am Woodward receives cryptic but encouraging words from France. He’s beside himself with the news but can’t reveal it yet, not even to the five leading newspaper columnists in the country. He can’t believe the signing he’s going to pull off.

8:43am Out of force of habit, Woodward puts in a bid for each of Neymar, Gareth Bale, Thomas Muller, Cristiano Ronaldo and Marco Reus before he even realises what he’s done.

10:11am His assistant calls back to confirm that Downey Jr is not registered at any football club in the world, and does not have a declared interest in any football agency. Woodward sighs and makes a mental note of just how lithe he is, especially compared to others in the world of football.

As his assistant then asks if he would like to be put through to the Glazers or the Van Gaal, both of whom have been calling for him every half an hour, Woodward panics. He tells his assistant to let them know he’ll call them both back within a couple of hours.

10:31am Woodward races home. He’s forgotten he’s getting his broadband upgraded today and is desperate not to miss the engineer. His phone pings with an email, and he calculates he can pull off the biggest deal of 2016 from the comfort of his own home.

12:42pm He puts in another bid for Ronaldo via his home computer. It takes ages, and he calls to ask when his engineer’s meant to get here.

2:22pm Woodward finally calls Van Gaal and the Glazers, and while Van Gaal demands a defender be signed as a matter of urgency, the Glazers remind both of them of the need to maximise revenue ahead of any potential sale. If signing a defender is required, the Glazers are willing to spend the cash to secure Champions League qualification. Woodward puts in a call to Paris Saint-Germain about Marquinhos and Zlatan Ibrahimovic, as agreed.

4:30pm Woodward calls Van Gaal to let him know he’s succeeded in his negotiations with PSG, and that Gregory van der Wiel and Ezequiel Lavezzi should be registered in time for the match against Stoke on Tuesday.

4:31pm Van Gaal puts the phone down.

4:32pm Woodward guesses he may have underwhelmed his man, but an email comes through to say that his secret deal has been done. He fires off an email to the hacks at the Telegraph, Independent, Daily Mail, Mirror and Guardian, and tells them to get down to Carrington, pronto, for one of the biggest deals in football history. He orders up a car from the office, wanting to arrive in style.

7:32pm Woodward thanks the journalists for arriving, and gives a carefully planned speech about United’s growth across the world, and shows slides of various famous United players past and present. He talks about the impact they have had across social media, and the number of trophies and heroes in the past that have contributed to it.

He then waits for a few seconds, before announcing the new signing, Michelin, from France, and welcomes the Michelin Man in a Manchester United shirt. They are the first club with an official tyre partner!

7:35pm The journalists leave without saying anything or looking at him. “Every time,” one of them mutters.

8:30pm Wiith the deadline day action really hotting up, Woodward emails to confirm to the Glazers that he’s clocking off. In order to carry out their requested cuts, he’s turning off the club’s internet and phone services with 15% of the day left to go.