The Warm-Up: In memory of St Totteringham

[VOICEOVER]: Dear Diary,

[Cut to long, emotionally-charged montage sequence showing how Charlie was hit on the head and plunged into a 21-year coma, only awaking on Sunday afternoon in an otherwise-empty hospital ward, mustering the energy to turn on a television which, inexplicably given NHS cutbacks, was tuned to Sky Sports 1, and watching with rapt joy as Tottenham socked it to a listless Arsenal side, moving fully 17 points clear of the Gunners in the Premier League table.]

[Cut to close-up on Charlie’s ecstatic face]

[CHARLIE]: “Just like every year, suckers!”

[Action freezes on Charlie’s fist, clenched in the air, as 80s synthpop outro music begins and credits roll.]

The Warm-Up has been manning the phones all night, generously providing a comforting ear to the poor football fans of Manchester, who appear very much to want this Premier League season to end.

The red half of the city have expressed dismay at United’s medical addiction to drawing winnable matches at home and, after this weekend, claim to be able to count the number of defenders available for selection on two fingers. And one of those fingers is actually a pen sellotaped into place – presumably a metaphor for Ashley Young, although The Warm-Up isn’t actually qualified to make that diagnosis.

Still, at least United have a tedious away-goals Europa League win over Celta Vigo to look forward to. City can’t win any trophies at all, unless there’s some gong going for getting through an entire season without a recognised goalkeeper. The Blues conceded twice against Middlesbrough on Sunday, which is the sporting equivalent of checking oneself in for a long lie-down at Dignitas.

OK, Chelsea, that’s enough know. We think you’ve made your point.

Inspired by Tottenham and of course by Charlie – who, just to be clear, is very much only a dramatic device and not an actual person – we head back in time to the 1994/95 season for Match of the Day’s Goal of the Season competition. A slightly disappointing selection, if we’re honest, but The Warm-Up has already written this paragraph now, so there’s no going back.

Not content with providing a near-constant source of mirth with his team-of-the-week selections (Harry Kane at left-back? Sure! David De Gea up front AND on the wing? Great!), Garth Crooks now appears to have taken up a new hobby: playing dead on live television.

Suffice it to say the Warm-Up is a huge, huge fan of this and can’t wait to see where he goes next with it.

Not a bad video from this weekend's British Superbikes.

OK, does anyone actually want to finish in the top four this season? Manchester United, Man City and Arsenal all answered in the negative this weekend, but Jurgen Klopp gets his chance to say “Ja, danke!” on Monday night.

His Liverpool side face Watford, hoping for something like the performance they put in against the Hornets earlier in the season, when they won 6-1 at Anfield. Granted, that was when they were cool, fun Liverpool rather than sad, tired Liverpool, but you never know.