The Warm-Up: Is James Rodriguez Robben or Kaka?

Transfers in 2017 are a noisy business. Players, clubs and agents have spun the frenzy of interest into PR gold. You simply haven’t been in a big transfer unless you’ve made a grime video, indulged in some frat-boy antics beside a Beverly Hills pool, or at least appeared in a fictional WhatsApp conversation.

These days nothing is kept under the radar.

Which made Bayern Munich’s announcement of a two-year loan deal for James Rodriguez all the more surprising.

Here’s one of the biggest names in football – and instead of some cutesy video we’re going to announce him with a line of text and the club logo. Amid all the gimmicks, a genuine mic-drop.

Although Bayern’s US account indulged in some (admittedly quite funny) meme-bantz.

Karel Poborsky, Stephane Guivarc'h, El-Hadji Diouf, Kleberson, every single Greece player, Roman Pavlyuchenko...

By 2014, there was a pretty compelling body of evidence. Don’t sign footballers off the back of a single major tournament. Just don’t. International football is a terrible way to judge a player’s true quality, and a single month-long competition is nothing like a big enough sample size.

Yet when Real Madrid bought James Rodriguez after a magnificent 2014 World Cup, it just felt so right.

Here was no flash in the pan – he had already been transferred for €45m – the World Cup was merely the global coming-out party for football’s next superstar, the heir to Messi and Ronaldo.

James hasn’t exactly been bad, just nowhere near as effective as anyone hoped.

Nor did Real totally freeze him out; James made 33 appearances (20 starts) last season – but played zero minutes in two consecutive Champions League finals, failing even to make the squad against Juventus last month.

Zinedine Zidane treated him like a toddler who wants to help with the Sunday roast. Sure, he gave James a mixing bowl and a spatula, but he certainly didn’t let him near the important stuff lest he pour an entire bag of sugar into the gravy.

So this move is a biggie. Depending on the success of this loan, he’s either Arjen Robben or Kaka. A genuinely world-class player who just didn’t fit in at Real Madrid, or a busted flush.

Fresh from blowing the best part of £100m on Romelu Lukaku, this morning’s reports see Manchester United close to landing £50m Eric Dier, £45m Ivan Perisic and set to give Zlatan Ibrahimovic a new contract.

In other news, a Deloitte report says Premier League clubs' revenues rose 9% to a record £3.6bn in 2015/16.

If the Warm-Up’s maths is right, that’s the exact same amount of money United have spent on players since David Moyes’ departure.

But it’s OK, net spend fans, because they’re about to get £10m back for Adnan Januzaj.

Ajax's Abdelhak Nouri will be taken out of an induced coma after collapsing during a pre-season game in Austria. Nouri, who was flown to hospital in Innsbruck, sustained no damage to his heart or brain after suffering ‘cardiac arrythmias’ on Sunday.

Moments like these are always incredibly scary – hats off to all those involved in Nouri’s treatment. The Warm-Up hopes to see him in action (read: hear that he’s played and maybe watch a 30-second clip) soon.

Want to buy success, but can’t be doing with the hassle of paying for all those actual players and winning actual football matches?

AmaZulu FC (who finished fifth in the second tier) have just bought Thanda Royal Club FC (who finished first and won promotion).

Thanda will be renamed AmaZulu, relocated to Durban and have been allowed to take their place in South Africa’s Premier League.

This one could have legs. Liverpool have been accused of submitting a “falsified” document to the Premier League when trying to sign a 12-year-old from Stoke.

Read more (including Liverpool’s response) from the Telegraph’s Ben Rumsby.

Gabriel Batistuta has said he has “difficulty walking” due to the toll professional football took on his body.

"I gave much more than I actually had to give," he said.

Sad news, but a fine excuse to relive Batigol in his pomp – here’s every one of his 33 biffs during a glorious spell at Roma that included the 2000/01 Scudetto.