The Warm-Up: PL teams struggle in Europe - it's just like watching England

London club swaps cosy, atmospheric ground for large, modern mega-arena. London club’s players don’t feel quite at home. London club’s fans aren’t sure about it. London club proceeds to struggle on the field, despite the best efforts of the resident French saviour figure.

No, not West Ham. Spurs!

Night two of Tottenham’s Wembley residency went much the same way as the first, Mauricio Pochettino’s side slumping to a frustrating defeat to Bayer Leverkusen. The result leaves them languishing in third place in their group with two matches to play.

This was your archetypal 1-0 thrashing: Roger Schmidt’s side were superior all over the park, thoroughly outplaying their sleepy hosts and carving out chance after chance. They could and probably should have scored more, but in the end Kevin Kampl’s 65th-minute strike was enough.

For Spurs, a few alarm bells will be starting to ring. That’s now six games without a victory in all competitions – their longest winless run since 2011. The goals have dried up and the defence, for so long the foundation of their success, has creaked in the absence of Toby Alderweireld. Eric Dier lived down to his name on Wednesday, one wicked free-kick notwithstanding.

What Tottenham really need is a nice gimme fixture to help them get back on track. Arsenal at the Emirates may not quite fit that bill, but at least it’s not at Wembley.

They weren’t able to maintain their 100% record, but Leicester did manage to secure their fourth clean sheet of the group stage, holding FC Copenhagen in Denmark. The hero of the hour was Kasper Schmeichel, who followed up his gala display in the first meeting between the clubs a fortnight ago with another fine performance.

The Foxes stopper was probably feeling right at home at Parken Stadium, not least because he has a house just a few hundred metres down the road. But you know what they say: wherever I make my saves…

That’s right, kids! It’s time for another update on The Warm-Up’s all-time favourite symbolic flower!

**Bangs face on desk**

England and Scotland players will mark Armistice Day by wearing black armbands…

**Stabs eyeballs with compass**

That’s in direct contradiction of FIFA, who say…

**Inserts hand into paper shredder**

James McClean, meanwhile, has…

**Shoves head into blender, superglues power button to ‘on’, wedges doorhandle with broom**

Police are looking for three rogue horsemen after the surprise re-emergence of one Radamel Falcao as a force in the Champions League. The Colombian, now back on speaking terms with his mojo after losing four years of his life to a bizarre body-snatching episode, scored twice (!) for Monaco as they beat CSKA Moscow, boosting their chances of making the knockout stages.

So you’ve just signed a new contract worth £999,999,999,999 an hour for the next six years, with a release clause higher than the total value of all money in global circulation. How do you celebrate? Like this, obviously:

The forward was left out of Borussia Dortmund’s match-day squad in mysterious circumstances on Wednesday night. Perhaps an unreported muscle injury to the extendable arm hidden in that hat?

Football managers, unemployment and television: it’s a dance as old as time itself. Just ask Gus Poyet, so memorably made aware of Brighton’s decision to empty his work diary live on air in 2013.

Now comes important boot-on-the-other-foot news from South Africa, where Orlando Pirates boss Muhsin Ertuğral opted to announce his resignation on TV after a galling 6-1 loss.

Compelling stuff, but The Warm-Up wonders whether this is all above board. Consider: the defeat came at the hands of SuperSport United and the interview was broadcast on… SuperSport. Hmm.

Roll up, roll up! The Jose Mourinho Misery Roadshow is back in town! 6pm is your start time for Fenerbahce 2-1 Manchester United (Pogba 35, Van Persie 36, 89), which promises to be deeply amusing/utterly harrowing, depending on your level of affection for increasingly-grizzled Portuguese managers.

Also in the Europa League: Zenit St Petersburg vs Mighty Dundalk (6pm) and Southampton vs Internazionale at 8:05pm.