The Warm-Up: Plane talking, rug hawking and Theo Walcott squawking
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Updated 23/08/2018 at 10:10 GMT
Jack Lang dives into the nostalgic world of banners, marvels at Fernando Torres and shouts "PHRASING!" at Vincent Kompany's doll factory...
Ed Woodward, Manchester United chief executive
Image credit: PA Photos
THURSDAY’S BIG STORIES
Fly, my pretties
If your love of football is even vaguely serious, chances are that you are able to map out certain key moments of your life according to what your favourite team was doing at the time.
Maybe you graduated in the same year they were promoted. Maybe you fell in love for the first time as they were being relegated. Maybe you broke your arm when they broke their transfer record, or bought your favourite crockery set when they reached the cup final.
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'Moyes Out' banner (Getty)
Image credit: Getty Images
The Warm-Up? Well fine, if we’re sharing. We actually tend to tie our life experiences to something far more visceral, far more moving than mere success or failure. For us, it’s all about the plane banners.
You laugh, but who can deny the emotional clout of the classic? Some of them easily attained the status of art; films and records and books and paintings are all well and good, but do they punch you in the gut like “RODGERS OUT RAFA IN” or “WRONG ONE – MOYES OUT” did? No, friend. They do not.
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2011 Steve Kean plane banner
Image credit: Eurosport
Four words: that’s usually all it takes. Proper punctuation can take a long hike. Up there in the sky, brevity and clarity win the day. Which is of course is why “NO CONTRACT #WENGER OUT” was always going to trump “IN ARSENE WE TRUST #RESPECTAW”. The Warm-Up still doesn’t know what a respectaw is.
Why are we telling you all this? Well, because there’s a new kid on the block, courtesy of serial banner-peddlers Manchester United. The plan is to take to the great blue beyond during the Burnley game next week to have a nice aerial moan about Ed Woodward.
The Warm-Up can picture it now: whisky in hand, grandchildren on knee, lump in the throat. “You know what? Grandpa does remember the hottest summer ever. If memory serves, it was the year of “ED OUT – LUHG”…
Sinking like a stone
We now head over to Stoke, where things are starting to look more than a bit… Sunderlandy. You may recall the odd burst of optimism after their relegation from the Premier League in May (“Best squad ever seen in the Championship!”), but the Potters are sat squarely in the relegation zone after last night’s 3-0 home meltdown against Wigan.
Elsewhere in the Championship, there were wins for Bolton, Norwich and Sheffield Wednesday, while Brentford held Aston Villa, thanks in part to this lovely team goal:
RLC TBC
This just in from our Yes, Obviously correspondent: Ruben Loftus-Cheek is considering his Chelsea future for the 359th time after… well, not exactly falling down the pecking order so much as continuing to prop it up.
Maurizio Sarri, recall, has bought Jorginho, loaned Mateo Kovacic and rejuvenated Ross Barkley. And with Cesc Fabregas, N’Golo Kante and even Danny Drinkwater still knocking around, Loftus-Cheek would probably do well to start looking for a weird European loan ASAP.
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England's midfielder Ruben Loftus-Cheek sits on the ground at the end of the Russia 2018 World Cup Group G football match between England and Belgium at the Kaliningrad Stadium in Kaliningrad on June 28, 2018.
Image credit: Getty Images
IN OTHER NEWS
Football, as we all know, is pure capitalism. Clubs and players and agents cannot not monetise things. They just can’t resist the siren call of the dollar bill. Which means that even weird, innocent stories get thrown into the organ-grinder in search of profit.
This week’s example: FC Rostov fan takes rug to football match for no decent reason.
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Rostov – Enisey
Image credit: Other Agency
A diverting little tale. What we really didn’t need was the next chapter, which the Warm-Up is tentatively titling ‘Tragic Carpet Ride’.
Yes, you guessed it: FC Rostov are now selling an actual rug-design jersey, from their actual club shop. This is why we cannot have nice things.
HEROES AND ZEROES
Hero: Fernando Torres
This just in from the J-League Living Nostalgia Department: El Nino, playing against old pal Andres Iniesta and scoring his first goal for Sagan Tosu.
Keep it coming, Japan. Keep it coming.
Zero: Whoever signed off on this
Good lord. Make it stop.
Still, at least Theo Walcott hasn’t twee… ah, no, hang on. That’s my nightmares sorted for the next six months. Maybe nine.
Somehow, that wasn’t even the creepiest tie-in of the day. Or at least not the creepiest wording.
Come on, guys. PHRASING!
HAT TIP
Nothing demonstrates an organisation’s commitment to an activity more than the money it throws at it, and even before this new Qatar Clause, Infantino had made his intentions known. Cornel Borbely, head of the FIFA Ethics Committee’s investigations chamber, and Hans-Joachim Eckert, chairman of its adjudicatory chamber, had been enthusiastic enforcers of the previous ethics code. FIFA officials they took down included the previous FIFA president, Sepp Blatter, and the UEFA president, Michel Platini. They were even looking into reports of misfeasance by Infantino at one point. Those are the kind of reports that would be banned under the new defamation clause.
That’s ESPN’s Matt Scott on why FIFA’s new ethics code is bad news. Also worth a look: Adam Bate on David Silva and Jack Pitt-Brooke on Marcelo Bielsa.
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Infantino will bei WM hart gegen Rassismus vorgehen
Image credit: SID
RETRO CORNER
On this day in 2008: Angel Di Maria produces the most Angel Di Maria finish of all time as Argentina sneak past Nigeria in final of the Olympic football tournament. It would be the start of a period of dominance for the Albiceleste, who would later win the Worl… oh, sorry, these notes are a bit out of date.
FIFA have cruelly denied us the ability to embed their content, but you can head here to watch on YouTube!
COMING UP
We’ve reached that magical stage in the Europa League qualification process when you can look at the fixture list and actually recognise a good 60% of the team names. There’s still the odd Sigma Olomouc or F91 Dudelange, but they’ve now been joined by a Sevilla here, a Basel there.
The Warm-Up hopes Burnley are collecting Air Miles; after trips to Scotland and Turkey, they’re in Greece tonight to play Olympiakos. Rangers are at home to Ufa, meanwhile, and Celtic play Suduva. See? Big names.
Friday means just one thing in Warm-Up land. No, sorry, two things: pizza-for-breakfast day and Tom Adams writing your snarky morning news round-up.
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