Hello and welcome to live coverage of the game of the century. Wait, I mean the game of the night: West Ham vs Everton.

Valencia is clattered by Besic in the midfield with a high boot.

Collins heads away, and he then blocks a shot from Barkley. Another corner.

Another mistake from Song allows Everton to rob the ball near the opposition goal, and Everton force a corner from the throw.

Song witlessly gives the ball away on the edge of his box, and Naismith gets to Lukaku's short pass, but it's out for a goal kick.

Downing sends in a cross from the left, but Joel is down quickly to claim.

Carroll picks out Jarvis with a ball to the right wing, but the winger sends in a poor cross and Everton break.

Here's more from Rory, this time about kits.

Cresswell whips in a cross but it's headed away.

Everton camp outside the West Ham box, and Carroll is back to block off Barkley's run to the byline. It looks like a free kick, but nothing given.

Nothing of note in the early stages.

We have lift off, or "lift aff" as a Scottish person might tweet.

Five minutes to go until kick off. I'm going to predict West Ham to win 3-0 and Roberto Martinez to blame David Moyes for the defeat.

With just 10 minutes to go, let's get down to brass tacks. What does occasional Eurosport writer Miguel Delaney have to say? Oh.

Right, the teams. Seamus Coleman starts in what might be his last Everton match, should the rumours about a move to Manchester United be true, and Alex Song starts, having played his last game for Cameroon.

Please tweet Rory with travel advice.

Cristiano has legs. He is the best man at using legs on a football at the moment. He also has a mouth. What has he done with that recently? Read in the link below.

"Big" Sam Allardyce has recovered from his chest infection, and so was able to give this wondrerful video for you to watch below.

I'm not sure what Bentz is trying to say about the football tonight with that tweet, it's presumably some kind of analogy. It will surely all become clear soon.

TEAMS: West Ham: Adrian, Cresswell, Jenkinson, Collins, Tomkins, Jarvis, Song, Noble, Downing, Carroll, Valencia. Subs: Jaaskelainen, Nolan, Vaz Te, O'Brien, Amalfitano, Cole, Burke. /// Everton: Joel, Baines, Jagielka, Stones, Coleman, Barry, Besic, Barkley, Naismith, McGeady, Lukaku. Subs: Griffiths, Oviedo, Kone, Mirallas, Garbutt, Alcaraz, McAleny.