Evening all, and welcome to the "curtain-raiser" for the "curtain-raiser"; it's Manchester United v Real Madrid!

Isco thinks he's got a second on the ball, a notion of which Fellaini swiftly disabuses him.

Modric slides a pass out wide to Carvajal, but puts slightly too much on it and the ball zips into touch.

Paddy Crerand is surprised people are still coming to their seats. He should try following United away when people have thirsts on.

Amazing from Marcelo, controlling a cross inside his own box with a heel flick that takes him past Fellaini. He then retains possession with a header and clears. He is such a player.

My Dutch commentators are prattling about Renato Sanches, who I think would be a decent addition for United and a lot more fun than Matic or Dier, with far more upside.

It's been a quiet start.

Marcelo finds space down the left and jabs a cross into the middle. Benzema jumps but it's too high, and Darmian gets a flick which clears the danger.

Lingard finds space and absolutely panels a shot goalwards that flicks off Nacho ... and Navas punches behind. Smart save, and the corner comes to nothing.

Apologies - my system crashed - but I'm now back to report that you missed nothing. Nada.

Rashford breaks and motors towards the Madrid defence at inside-left. Quickly, he's crowded out.

Benzema hustles Pereira out of possession but can't make anything of it.

I should say that there'll be penalties in the event of a draw.

United get us underway.

Obligatory Ronaldo is still on holiday update.

...and they're late. Some people.

Out come the teams...

MUTV have Dwight Yorke and David May supplying their expertise. Yorke is wearing a bicep-hugging polo-shirt, naturally.