The Warm-Up: Manchester United are back

Manchester United are back with Series IV: Ole’s At The Wheel and it’s already threatening to be the best yet. Since Marcus Rashford lashed home that ghost penalty in Paris, United have lost 75% of their games prompting Messrs Moyes, Van Gaal and Mourinho to shuffle along the obituary sofa at Old Trafford.

Tuesday’s 2-1 defeat at Wolves was a majestic throwback as United mustered more shots against their own goalkeeper than the opposition’s; the decisive goal a three-pronged friendly fire as Jones, Chris Smalling and David De Gea combined to wrestle ‘Team Own Goal 2018-19’ off Tottenham, whose wait for a trophy now goes on.

It all leads to a rather obvious question: why hand Ole Gunnar Solskjaer a full-time gig in March? There was something settling about the transience, an opportunity for United to postpone resolving their deep-lying issues. But now? We’re back fixating on the past and future – breaking the No.1 rule from any Turn Your Life Around paperback.

The latest series already seems destined to end at Camp Nou, 20 years ago the scene of ‘And Solskjaer has won it!’. Our message: interim managers are always a good idea…

…unless your interim manager is Scott Parker.

The poshest pre-match walk in football will be reserved for Championship supporters next season after a 4-1 rollover at Watford saw Thames dwellers Fulham relegated, maintaining Parker’s impeccable 100% record: LLLLL.

It’s a mighty fine tale that saw the Cottagers blow £100m in the summer, appoint (and sack) the architect of the Premier League’s greatest triumph and change their season objective from ‘European challengers’ to ‘Don’t lose badly enough to be first on Match of the Day’.

And yet they’ve still got a little further to fall if they want to truly indent themselves on history, with Huddersfield – who are currently randomly selecting players in any position – still on course for the wooden spoon. It's all to play for.

Anyone with a penchant for fictional cheese rooms or rip-off Southampton songs is in for a treat on Wednesday night. Tottenham are heading home.

Mauricio Pochettino’s side welcome Crystal Palace to their smug new stadium, chasing a first domestic win since February 10 to reignite their season. And nothing gets you motoring quite like the grumbles of 62,062 fans bouncing around perfect acoustics.

"When you settle in this fantastic stadium, it’s to fight and not only be in the Champions League in some periods – like in the past," said Pochettino ahead of their bow. "It’s a stadium to be in every season of the Champions League; every season being a real contender and fighting for big things. This is my idea and we will see if we can deliver it."

Sorry Poch, but we all know how this story ends…

The Warm-Up could write a beautiful tribute to Arsene Wenger here, but we’ve already missed our deadline, so let's just dive straight into his glorious words.

Wenger on religion: "I come from a small Alsatian village with life revolving around religion. The ‘king’ of the village was the priest. I was raised in a restaurant that was also the clubhouse of the football team and it was all about that. But religion did not help to win matches. Much later, I replaced my missal with good players and football became my religion. The game must be treated as religion. He alone dictates your choices."

Wenger on life: "You're loved when you're born, you're loved when you die, in between you have to manage."

Wenger on Arsenal departure: "I felt like I was attending my first class funeral. People have been extraordinary. They showed gratitude. England has that. I did not cry or flinch because I learned to shield myself. If I did not master my passion, I could not have survived."

Wenger on refs: "When I die and meet God, and before choosing between Hell and Paradise, I will ask him where all the refs are."

What a bloke.

On the subject of great men, we would like to extend a massive congratulations to Mike Dean, who started the Premier League 100 club when he dished out a red card to Ashley Young. Never change, Mike.

To be perfectly honest, zero doesn't do this justice.

Juventus defender Bonucci has inexplicably accused team-mate Moise Kean of being partly to blame for getting racially abused. Kean was subject to abuse throughout the victory at Cagliari in Serie A, including monkey chants, and celebrated defiantly in front of the home fans after scoring a late second goal.

"Kean knows that when he scores a goal, he has to focus on celebrating with his team-mates. He knows he could've done something differently too," Bonucci told Sky Sport Italia.

"There were racist jeers after the goal, Blaise heard it and was angered. I think the blame is 50-50, because Moise shouldn't have done that and the Curva should not have reacted that way. We are professionals, we have to set the example and not provoke anyone."

Nope.

Insert 'Kylian Mbappe meets a super fan' gag:

And a reminder that champagne corks can be perilous:

White Hart Lane II revels in dismay as Palace rip Tottenham apart, while Manchester City can reclaim top spot with victory over Cardiff City. Oh, and CALLUM HUDSON-ODOI WILL PROBABLY START as Chelsea meet Brighton.