Aaaaaaarrrrggghhhh! It is upon us! Happy holidays, football mubarak, chag sameakh and merry World Cup! After four long, lonesome years, now we are whole again. So what of Russia v Saudi Arabia? Well, he said, answering his own question, Russia are not very good. They haven't won in seven games and weren't great before that, so face a struggle to get out of this group, which has neither greatness nor drek. Saudi Arabia, meanwhile, have run both Germany and Italy close recently, and won't role over today. But the reality is that Russians and Saudis aside, no one really cares because what's to care about? The World Cup is here!
World Cup / Group Stage
Luzhniki Stadium / 14.06.2018
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- Y. Gazinsky(12')
- D. Cheryshev(43', 90+1')
- A. Dzyuba(71')
- A. Golovin(90+4')
Live
Live Updates
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Updated 14/06/2018 at 16:59 GMT
15:50
A heart-shaped Russian flag is run around the centre-circle. As a consequence, we have all forgotten about the warmongering, human rights violations and election interference.
15:49
The players are tunnelled!
15:47
15:46
I would not steal this couch.
15:45
That Blockbusters I was talking about...
15:45
15:44
Teams!
15:43
Well that was quick, at least.
15:41
I mean seriously, Robbie Williams. In 2018!
15:40
The pitch looks like a green Blockbusters board.
15:38
And now an Angels duet. I don't know about you, but I've forgotten the unfathomable dodge and morally repugnance about everything that isn't the actual football.
15:36
Our very own looks like he may not be our very own for much longer, on account of consuming himself. He's now singing a drone the name of which I do not know. The one about free love. Which is presumably why he's performing this gig.
15:33
Behind him, and all over the show, is the usual array of humans dressed as footballs, acrobatics, fire-effect things and all the rest. "Bounce, bounce, bounce!" hollers our very own. I feel more naches than ever before in my life.
15:32
The ceremony is upon us! Out comes Ronaldo, original, and our very own Robbie Williams in red leather-effect suit. He looks a bit like couch left outside a house. Let Me Entertain You is the song he's croaking; unfortunately, I don't have a choice.
15:32
Who wants a World Cup preview? You? Why! What're the chances?
https://www.newstatesman.com/politics/sport/2018/06/world-cup-has-been-hijacked-scumbags-let-s-use-it-remind-us-be-better
15:31
At Euro 96, England couldn't have the hotel they wanted because Germany had already booked it. They are brilliant.
15:29
Uruguay are Ian Wright's dark horses, while Slaven Bilic talks about Croatia, and that his team did well in 1998 because the keeper made saves and Suker scored six goals. Croatia have good players this time too, but are in a tough group, and I wonder if Modric, good though he is, is just a little bit past his best.
15:22
Back in the studio, the patter is about foreign players in England. Slaven Bilic says the competition is good for young British types, and I agree. Who are the stellar talents we've missed out on developing since the influx of imports?
15:21
15:18
And the favourite Saudi Arabia goal...
15:16
And another...