Evening all It's that time of the year again: Christmas pub clowns, enforced happiness and Arsenal set fair to make a mess of things. Their November was, as so often is, wretched, capped by the news that Santi Cazorla will miss three months. They are, as they say, 'in a bad several moments.' And so are West Ham. Fourth from bottom of the league, in that hideous stadium, and hot on the heels of that miserable midweek display. So, we're all set for exhibition unhappiness - lucky us!

Arsene Wenger looks warmer than you. This match is "looks very low-key" say the folks tasked with selling it to us. And if they're saying that, imagine how it actually is.

The camera at West Ham makes the pitch look thinner than blue Rizla.

West Ham have gone to four at the back. I'm not certain that that won't help them.

Arbeloa throws-in and Sanchez flicks back to him beautifully. Arberloa cuts along the by-line and has men in the middle, but instead picks out Ogbonna, who clears.

Collins departs, cursing himself. Arbeloa arrives.

At this moment in time. As opposed to every other moment, in the history of the world.

West Ham might have to go to four at the back - "he's going to have to, at this moment in time", insights Glenn Hoddle.

Collins pulls up and unwinds bare strapping from around his leg; Bilic has a problem, because he's not getting away with that.

Payet is hanging wide, looking to play on Gabriel. I wonder, though, if West Ham might be better finding someone likely to go on the outside; Payet's dead-ball delivery is the best, but he's not a trickster.

You're not going to believe this, but Slaven Bilic has just chucked his guitar 79 metres!

Anyone any good at discus?

Apparently, Sanchez has been feeling his groin. That is horrific news for Arsenal, as he's been their best player this season - perhaps even the league's best.

And off we go!

We're going to have a minute's silence in memory of those who died in Colombia last week.

Bilic and Wenger exchange an arm-y hug. Choking up, here.

Fortune's always hiding. As would you if you were called Quinton.

Let's get the boyz on the baize! Here they cahm!

Which is to say, this should be a great nice of English football - as distinct from other kinds. On my gap-yah, we, a group of 30 English idiots, used to watch football as a group. So if your team were up, you knew you were in for trouble, because watching them get battered in front of your mates was, er, tricky. One night we watched West Ham do Leeds3-0 and the Loiner among us said nothing which, for a child of his lair, was quite something. I wondered how he'd done it, and then I went to bed, it was freezing, and I noticed that the heater was battered and broken beyond all recognition.

Psst! I'm whispering because this is some illict gear, but I think we might see some stuff tonight that no one wants to see.

West Ham have lost 10 points from winning positions, more than any other side in the league. I think that's a long-winded way of saying that they're not very good. Anyone got any stats?