Hello and welcome to live coverage of Manchester United v Bournemouth.

And off we go: can United bypass the group stages of the Uefa Cup? Can Bournemouth finish 14th? In 90 minutes, we'll know!

Martin Tyler can't even be mithered to growl his "it's live", which is all you need ta kna.

Old Trafford, that was full during the petrol shortage, is far from full tonight.

The players are in the tunnel. It's on!!!!!!!!!!!

Take a lesson, you will see, children as commodity...

United can win the best organised defence, apparently, for conceding the fewest goals in the league. Van Gaal declines to mention that it's easier so to do when not trying too hard to score any.

Sky are already trailing their pre-season friendlies. Remember when pre-season meant nothing more than a couple of drunken brawls?

Here's our match preview....

The Bournemouth players have had to "restructure" their plans, which I believe means postponing their holidays. Harry Arter has an Achilles problem.

"Marcus Rashford, fresh from his England call-up..."

Naturally, Sky recapped Sunday's events in montage. It was incredibly moving.

Apparently United have done "incredibly well" to, er, put on a football match. Which, by the standards they've set this season, I suppose they have.

"Victory today would lift Bournemouth from 16th to 14th..."

I don't think it's possible to imagine quite how bad this game can be before it's been that bad.

Bournemouth, meanwhile, make one change from Sunday's hilarity: Harry Arter was anonymous, and as such, is replaced by Dan Gosling.

On which point, had Fellaini not got himself suspended, there's a reasonable chance United might have found a way not to concede two goals from set-pieces within eight minutes of taking the lead at West Ham, and as such, not require a 19-goal win tonight to secure Champions League qualification. It's a funny old game.

So, Louis van Gaal is doing his best to ensure that United suffer at least one injury before the Cup Final by picking a team that's not far from the one that'll start on Saturday. Of course, one of the more skilful players will have to drop out so that the returning hero, Marouane Fellaini, can come back in, but otherwise, this'll pretty much be it.

Hello, hello, it's mediocre to be back, mediocre to be back.